1,000,001 Things I Wish I Had Said First
Funny Quotes
War is just capitalism with the gloves off.
unknown
Warning: contains nuts.
Sainsbury's Peanuts
Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
William Spooner
Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern
charm.
John F. Kennedy
We all get heavier as we get old because there's a lot more information in our
heads.
Vlade Divac
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars.
Oscar Wilde
We are in a pretty mess; can get nothing to eat, and no wine to drink,
except whiskey.
Sir Boyle Roche
We are in favor of a law which absolutely prohibits the sale of liquor on
Sunday, but we are against its enforcement.
1920's Democratic platform in Syracuse
We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to
his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.
Parish Magazine
We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans.
Bill Clinton
We caution the public not to eat seafood that glows in the
dark.
Pamela Morgan
We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions. We sent
you to represent us.
Kent York
We didn't turn him down. We didn't accept him.
Springdale Golf Club president
We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers
can report.
Louis Nel
We don't play drinking games because we're more serious about drinking than
that.
Mark Miles
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human
rights.
Dan Quayle
We have more people employed in this country than ever before. Sure,
unemployment is up, but more people are looking for work than ever
before.
William Rusher
We have nothing against ideas. We're against people spreading
them.
General Augusto Pinochet of Chile
We have to pursue this subject of fun very seriously if we want to stay
competitive in the twenty-first century.
George Yeo
We keep beating ourselves, but we're getting better at it.
Hank Bullough
We knew the Japanese were going to strike that night--the intelligence
reports were dead on. I remember the breeze from the island brought in
the scent of flowers. And I just didn't feel like going into battle.
Stuart Murdock, USS Atlanta, off of Guadalcanal
We make too many wrong mistakes.
Yogi Berra
We must have a nation of all Americans. We must expel those who cannot
recite the Constitution of the United States and Lincoln's Gettysburg
Address.
William Harding
We regret that owing to a typographical error the closing sentence of Sir
David LLewellyn's article yesterday appeared as "Blessed are the merciful
for they shall receive money." "Money" should have read
"mercy."
correction in the Reading (England) Evening Post
We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good
grooming.
Don Delillo
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in Red Storm Rising.
Dan Quayle
We should distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Henry David Thoreau
We were able to slow down and dilute child care.
Bob Dole
We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have
troubles.
Wesley Bolin
We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that
booger.
Gib Lewis
We're going to move left and right at the same time.
Jerry Brown
We're overpaying him but he's worth it.
Samuel Goldwyn
We've been flexible enough to kill people without declaring
war.
Lewis Hershey
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?
Lee Iacocca
Well, I'd say our greatest weakness is our lack of strength. Of course, I
think you'll see some improvement as we get better.
football coach
Well, that's the price you pay for paying no price.
Alex Heublein on having no documentation with pirated software
Wennlund has an obscure, undistinguished record, and he's a poor dresser,
too.
Ray Hanania
What America needs now is a drink.
Franklin Roosevelt upon ending Prohibition
What I do to make sure my form and feet are lined up is I always have a
mirror right in front of me so I can look with my eyes at my body without
moving my head and when backing up I have tape on the ground where I
place the front of my feet so I know they are lined up even.
Tom Ball
What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true
that is.
Dan Quayle
What is a house, anyway, but a big place to keep all your stuff? If we didn't
have so much stuff . . . we could just walk around all the time.
George Carlin
What we need are positive results, not press releases.
Dick Gephardt, in a press release
When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment
results.
Calvin Coolidge
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him:
"whose?"
Don Marquis
When all is said and done, as a rule, more is said than
done.
Lou Holtz
When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
Mae West
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over,
I buy food.
Erasmus
When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm
better.
Mae West
When it comes to ruining a painting, he's an artist.
Samuel Goldwyn
When the man who knows all about the fruit fly chromosomes finds himself
sitting next to an authority on Beowulf, there may be an uneasy
silence.
Brand Blanshard
When things go wrong, don't go with them.
anonymous
When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a
full stop and neither shall start up again until the other has gone.
Kansas law
When you appeal to force, there's one thing you must never do--lose.
Dwight Eisenhower
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
anonymous
When you are sending 200,000 soldiers to war, you don't announce that from a
golf cart.
Melvin Gartin
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
Farid
When you get to the fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra
When you hear hoofbeats, expect horses, not zebras.
unknown
When you return to your boyhood town, you find it wasn't the town you longed
for. It was your boyhood.
Earl Wilson
When you're through changing, you're through.
Bruce Barton
Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my revolver.
Hermann Goring
Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found
Americans.
Alf Landon (in America)
While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils
faster.
Abigail van Buren
White hair is not a sign of wisdom, only age.
Greek proverb
Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages.
Turkish proverb
Why call him Joe? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is called Joe.
Samuel Goldwyn
Why can't the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this like
good Christians?
attributed to Arthur Balfour
Why doesn't the fellow who says, "I'm no speech maker," let it go at that
instead of giving a demonstration?
Kin Hubbard
Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least trivialty
that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we
have told it to the same person?
La Rochefoucauld
Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
Mark Twain
Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?
Artemus Ward
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
Frank Scully
Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before
breakfast.
Lewis Carroll
Windows 95: n.
32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit
operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written
by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of
competition.
Unknown
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible
thing for the Padres.
Jerry Coleman
Women prefer Democrats to men.
Tony Coelho
Words ephemeral
Mind is empty
Belly is full
Hands and wrists
Warm and damp
Dishes are done
B.P. Keever
World's finest whiskey made from Scotland's finest grapes.
advertisement for a Japanese whiskey
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Robert Frost