1,000,001 Things I Wish I Had Said First
Funny Quotes
Objects must be declared. If there isn't any object mark "X" only at the
quantity "Yes" column and if there are any objects, cross out letter "No" and
at the same row write exact amount of weight of these objects in words or in
figures.
customs form, Socialist Republic of Vietnam
Often it is fatal to live too long.
Racine
Ok, our focus: Are Babies Being Bred for Satanic Sacrifice? Controversial to
say the least. Unbelievable to say the least. Disgusting to say the least.
We'll be right back.
Geraldo Rivera
On our LA roadtrip, a "renegade faction" of the Band reached "a new low in
tastelessness" when it "rallied" the L. A. "County" courthouse during the
O.J. Simpson murder "trial." These agents of chaos (tm) received national
attention and subsequent stern reprimands from both attorney Robert
Shapiro and our Athletic Department. We feel just terrible about it.
Bad renegades. No pudding for you.
Mary Ringhoff
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
cartoon in The New Yorker
Once I was in the Sahara Desert and I lost my corkscrew. For a month I
had to survive on food and water.
W. C. Fields
Once while I was in college, I spent an entire summer tarring roofs, during
which time I learned three things: 1) It takes a lot of tar to cover a
roof, 2) There are a lot of damned fine people who tar roofs for a living,
3) Education is the key to improving your prospects.
CEO of some large firm or other
One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't stop and
rest.
Franklin P. Jones
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not
enough.
James Thurber
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct
tape to make them stop.
George Weilacher
One should not attempt to cross a chasm in two bounds.
Chinese proverb
One thing the world needs is popular government at popular
prices.
George Barker
One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong
thing.
Frank Sheed
One who contends with immortals lives a very short life.
Homer
Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun.
Indian proverb
Only the little people pay taxes.
Leona Helmsley
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and
looks like work.
Thomas Edison
OPSDEP: Short for Operations Deputy. By JCS charter, the Army representative
is the DCSOPS. However, the ADCSOPS (JA), who is the DEPOPSDEP, may act for
the OPSDEP on all joint matters. The use of the term OPSDEP also includes
DEPOPSDEP. OPSDEPs or DEPOPSDEPs can approve papers for the
JCS.
Army Joint Actions Handbook
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely
stupid.
Heinrich Heine
Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
Samuel Goldwyn
Our first move will be to decide what our first move will
be.
Wellington Mara
Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis rackets out in
the rain, we were punished.
Nancy Ellis
Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we
don't have any real strengths.
Frank Broyles
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Groucho Marx
Over 1,100,000 hogs are slaughtered in Baltimore and packed each
year.
from a 1926 Baltimore Chamber of Commerce pamphlet, 197 Reasons You Should Enthuse over Baltimore