1,000,001 Things I Wish I Had Said First
Funny Quotes
Mail from El Paso to Middletown, Texas, will not travel 1,794 miles as
alleged. In fact it will travel no further than it does not.
U. S. Postal Service Statement
MAKES 6 SERVINGS . . . Servings Per Container about 8.
Aunt Jemima EASY MIX Corn Bread
Man, did he make a wrong mistake!
Yogi Berra
Man, it was tough. The wind was blowing about 100 degrees.
Mickey Rivers
Mantle's a switch hitter because he's amphibious.
Yogi Berra
Many people are leery of fruitcakes in New York. When they find out you
think you were abducted by aliens, they treat you like a weirdo, like you
wear unmatched outfits or something.
Rosemary Osnato, UFO passenger
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
earth--but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love
McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.
Jerry Coleman
Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.
Mickey Rivers
Members and Non-Members Only.
sign outside Mexico's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio
Metaphysics is a restaurant where they give you a thirty thousand page
menu, and no food.
Robert M. Pirsig, Lila
Mike Andrews' limits are limitless.
Danny Ozark
Millions longing for immortality, and most of them can't figure out what to do
with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
Minnesota voters played a major role in the victory of that state's
gubernatorial primary elections yesterday.
National Rifle Association press release
Money isn't everything. I've got money and I've got everything, and they're
not the same.
Robert Maxwell
Money often costs too much.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Money: what you'd get on beautifully without if only other people weren't
so crazy about it.
Margaret Harriman
Money's only important when you don't have any.
Sting
Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a
room.
Blaise Pascal
My dear Hortense . . . Farewell, my dear Adele!
Voltaire
My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia
forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan
My goal is an America where something or anything that is done to or for
anyone is done neither because of nor in spite of any difference between
them, racially, religiously, or ethnic-origin-wise.
Ronald Reagan
My god, I am a dead man!
Sir Richard Francis Burton, last words
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My name was printed incorrectly below my letter in the December 30 issue
of the Sevenoaks Chronicle. It should read L P Pook, not L P Hook.
(signed) L P Hook.
correction printed in the Sevenoaks (U.K.) Chronicle
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her,
like a bank note, for two twenties.
Douglas Jerrold
My old man taught me two things: "Mind own business" and "Always cut cards."
Robert Heinlein, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or
an aunt.
Chuck Nevitt