1,000,001 Things I Wish I Had Said First
Funny Quotes
Had ex-Kaiser Wilhelm received chiropractic adjustments for whatever
abnormal conditions from which he was suffering, the World War would have
been averted.
Charles B. Loftin
Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
Sir Boyle Roche
Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
CIA memo
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is a--it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all
states are different, but it's got a particularly unique
situation.
Dan Quayle on the universal health care plan in Hawaii
. . . hazards are one of the main causes of accidents.
from the U. S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration's booklet "Safety with Beef Cattle," 1976
He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.
Yogi Berra
He got me by the throat so that I could not speak and I asked him
several times to let me go.
victim testifying during an assault case
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
H. H. Munro
He must think I went to the Massachusetts Constitution of
Technology.
Dizzy Dean
He smiled and let his gaze fall to hers, so that her cheek began to glow.
Ecstatically she waited until his mouth slowly neared her own. She knew
only one thing: rdoeniadtrgoveniardgoverdgovnrdgog.
from a story in the Badische Presse
He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my
contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the
spinal cord would suffice.
Mark Twain
He's no failure. He's not dead yet.
William Lloyd George
[He's] still green behind the ears.
Elford Cederberg
Hell is other people.
Jean-Paul Sartre
Here lies Captain Ernest Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his orderly, March
2nd 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant.
gravestone inscription
Here lies Jan Smith,
Wife of Thomas Smith, Marble Cutter.
This monument was erected by her
husband as a tribute to her memory
and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of this same style are
two hundred and fifty dollars.
epitaph composed by a marble cutter
Hey, listen. I'm a member of the NRA. You're hurting my feelings, as they
say in China.
George Bush
Hi, folks, I'm Jerry Gross. No, I'm not, I'm Jerry Coleman.
Jerry Coleman
[Hijackers should be given] a rapid trial . . . with due process of law at
the airport, then hanged.
Edward Davis
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted
all other alternatives.
Abba Eban
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
W. C. Fields
How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six
kinds of cheese?
Charles de Gaulle
How can you think and hit at the same time?
Yogi Berra
How'm I gonna do decent pictures when all my good writers are in jail? . . .
Don't misunderstand me, they all ought to be hung.
Samuel Goldwyn
Hundreds of dogs have not paid their taxes.
Storm Lake (Ia.) Register