1,000,001 Things I Wish I Had Said First
Funny Quotes
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,
but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Robert Frost
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Mitch Ratcliffe, Technology Review, April 1992
A hospital is no place to be sick.
Samuel Goldwyn
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better
lawyer.
Robert Frost
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard
of.
Jane Austin
A man could not be in two places at the same time unless he were a bird.
Sir Boyle Roche
A nation . . . is just a society for hating foreigners.
Olaf Stapledon
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than
anything else in the world.
Edmond & Jules Goncourt
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
John Tudor
A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?
Ronald Reagan
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn
A woman is like a teabag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her
in hot water.
Nancy Reagan
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling
AEROFLOT: Introducing wide boiled aircraft for your comfort. . .
.
ad for the Soviet airline
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer
After the war, France and England should join hands to make a formidable
fart.
the Duke of Windsor during WWII
All ice cubes will be boiled before using.
U. S. army official
All you have to do [to protect yourself from radiation] is go down to the
bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is
sure.
Mark Twain
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and, furthermore,
always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra
An agency subject to the provisions of the Federal Reports Act may enter
into an arrangement with an organization not subject to the Act whereby
the organization not subject to the Act collects information on behalf of
the agency subject to the Act. The reverse also occurs.
memo from the Office of Management and Budget
An amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one?
Rutherford Hayes on the telephone, 1876
And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City?
Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, four to four.
Jerry Coleman
And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot
about bathtub toys--about how to work the telephone. One guys
knows--several of them know their own phone numbers--preparation to go to
the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good
day.
George Bush
And this is the real carrot at the end of the rainbow.
Paul Lyneham
And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said.
attributed to Piet Koornhoff
And when Tweedle Beetles battle with their paddles in a puddle in a bottle,
and the bottle's on a poodle, and the poodle's eating noodles, it's a
Tweedle Beetle Noodle Poodle Puddle Bottle Paddle Battle.
Dr. Suess, Fox in Sox
Any cook of either sex, white or black, of any and all nationalities and
religious affiliations, hereafter shall make and bake biscuits of a size
not less than six inches in circumference, to weigh not more than one
ounce when done, always to be served hot.
Oklahoma State Legislature bill
Any idiot can face a crisis--it's the day-to-day living that wears you
out.
Anton Chekhov
Any player unaware of the fool in the market probably IS the fool in the
market.
Warren Buffett
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below
100 points, they almost always win.
Doug Collins
Any time you have influence, try ordering around someone else's dog.
The Cockle Bur
Anyone can be elected governor. I'm proof of that.
Joe Frank Harris
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn
Anything concerning the Ambassador's swimming pool must be referred to
as water storage tank not as swimming pool.
Internal State Department memo
Are you haunted by horribles?
Do you ever run after your nose?
Does your nose choke?
Does your head or face or shoulder ever limp?
Has any part of your body suddenly grown uncontrollable?
Do you have heart thrills?
Do you have hot fit?
Do you feel as if there were two when there is only one?
Are more than half your teeth off?
Do you readily become orderless unless you are strained?
questions on a Japanese medical form
Are young Americans be getting stupider?
the Corvallis (Oregon) Gazette Times
[As a lawyer] I have three rules: I never believe what the prosecutor or
police say; I never believe what the media say; and I never believe what
my client says.
Alan Dershowitz of the O.J. Simpson defense team
As God once said, and I think rightly . . .
Field Marshall Bernard Law Montgomery (apocryphal)
As I said already, they have conducted themselves in the last two or three
years, much more discri-er, discree-discri-uh, with greater prudence and
discretion than we have because it is, uh, I-I've forgotten what the
question was.
J. William Fulbright
As it says in the Bible, God fights on side of heaviest artillery.
Robert Heinlein, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
As the Reagan presidency ends, it is time for the Bush pregnancy to begin.
Tommy Thompson
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing, or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so.
Hunter S. Thompson's attorney
Astronomers Say Comet Should Be Visible To The Naked Idaho
from the Los Angeles Examiner
At next Wednesday's children's party it is expected that in two hours 300
children will consume 1,800 sandwiches and 900 fancy cakes, gallons of
milk and tea, pounds of butter and a fishfryer, a plumber, a schoolmaster
and a railway inspector.
the Yorkshire (U.K.) Gazette
Avoid saying "hello." This elsewhere pleasant and familiar greeting is out
of place in the world of business.
instructions of Morgan Guaranty Trust Company to New York employees