Photo by José Miguel Serrano

Anger is bad for you. Really bad.

More than 30,000 heart attacks are caused by momentary anger each year. Angry people are more likely to be divorced, have worse jobs than others with the same education, and have fewer friends. According to a 2006 Harvard study, 10 million American men have an extreme form of anger called IED, or intermittent explosive disorder. Other studies have shown that angry men are three times more likely to develop premature cardiovascular disease, six times more likely to have an early heart attack, and three times more likely to have a stroke. Women suffer from anger too of course, but it affects them less. (Source: “Why So Angry?”, Men’s Health, May 2007.)

Obviously, controlling our anger is critical. Usually when we think of anger management, we think about taking deep breaths and visualizing a happy place. It’s certainly good advice to use these relaxation techniques to melt away the anger when it occurs. But I think we’re capable of avoiding much of our anger in the first place by looking at the situation and deciding whether anger is the best reaction. Anger Management 101 is about how to do this.

I recently ordered a product on radioshack.com, and had it shipped to the store in order to get free shipping. When I went to pick it up, two teenage guys were working there. They couldn’t find the package, and they didn’t even appear to be convinced that it had been delivered, in spite of the fact that I had the UPS delivery confirmation and the name of the person who signed for it. They didn’t seem competent, they didn’t do what they said they would (i.e., call the manager and get back to me), and they didn’t seem to care at all.

My natural reaction would have been to get angry, especially since there was no need for any of this to happen. But here’s where Anger Management 101 comes in. When we consciously decide how we’re going to respond to events that tend to elicit anger, we can get much better results than we would if we just let our emotions run the show. There are 5 steps to this approach.

1. Decide that you don’t want to be angry.

Maybe you think that if someone wrongs you, you have every right in the world to be angry, and maybe you’re right. But the thing is, your body doesn’t care—it will still give you a heart attack just the same. Just like you can’t win an earthquake, you can’t win at being angry. So just keep in mind that your goal is to not get angry. That’s how you win.

There may be cases where anger can benefit you. For example, I’ve heard that airline customer service reps are instructed to give customers preferential treatment based on how angry they get. I haven’t tested this myself, but it sounds like it’s probably true. I’m not saying you should use anger as a tool to get what you want, but even if you do, your anger would only benefit you for the few minutes you’re actually complaining. Then it would destroy your body for several hours after that. So even if you want to use anger, you still need to be able to control it.

2. Realize that the problem is probably much smaller than it appears.

Very often, even the worst case scenario really isn’t that bad when you think about it. In my situation, I realized that the worst case was a small inconvenience. They’d probably find my package at some point, but if not, they’d give me a refund. Even if they refused, I could call the credit card company and dispute the charge. Then I’d just place another order and try it again. The worst case scenario just meant some wasted time, but that’s it. And the worst case scenario rarely happens.

3. Think about the other people who are affected.

In fact, rather than being upset, I should feel sorry for the other people involved. The employees had terrible customer service skills, but that’s not really their fault. They didn’t pick their jobs because they really wanted to work there, but because their opportunities are limited at this point. They don’t like what they have to do every day, and their lack of training in customer relations will hurt them later in life. Also, the manager didn’t do anything wrong, but she would be held responsible if I had to get a refund.

4. Look for the silver lining.

Whenever I’m not thrilled with a situation, I look for a silver lining, and I usually find one. My experience with Radio Shack gave me the opportunity to come up with this method for anger management. Before then, I hadn’t really thought about how to deal with these situations other than by getting angry. It also gave me this blog post! This strengthens my blog and benefits other people as well.

5. After it’s over, look back and decide if it would have been worth getting angry.

The next day, I got a call that they had found the package. They said the reason they couldn’t find it was because it wasn’t in a brown box. (Gee, why not check all boxes, regardless of color?) I went down there, and they took out a brown box for me. When I pointed out that it was brown, the guy pointed to a white box and said he mistook it for that one. And it turns out he was even more mistaken than that, because I read the label on the brown box and it had the wrong name and product info. At this point I had yet another chance to use my newfound anger management strategy!

Anyway, the outcome was that I got the package one day late, after some annoying but also entertaining inconvenience. That’s not so bad in retrospect, right? Would it have been worth getting angry? Of course not. Save your anger for the times when it’s actually worth it (if ever). Bringing on long-term health problems for minor inconveniences is not a good deal for you. When you realize in hindsight that being angry wouldn’t have helped, you can remember this for next time.

So take it easy on your heart, your friends, and your family. React to situations consciously, and defuse anger before it starts.