Image from The Simpsons

Abraham Simpson, also known as “Grampa,” is well known to fans of The Simpsons around the world. One of the leading experts on misery, he can teach us much about how to live more miserable lives. Here are some of his most important lessons.

1. Don’t take any crap from inanimate objects.

Being inanimate is just another excuse for being lazy, and we have to show these objects who’s boss. Abraham’s crowning achievement was being featured in the newspaper for yelling at a fluffy white cloud. In his day, clouds respected their elders. Nowadays, they’re floating around like they own the place. Don’t let them.

2. Be a lousy father.

Your kids probably won’t take care of you in your golden years, so why not get revenge in advance? Your children are the future…unless you stop them.

When his son Homer was six years old, Abraham told him, “Homer, you’re dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!”

When Homer grew up, one day he realized that his parents never told him his middle name. When he asked what it was, Abraham said, “How should I know? It was your mother’s job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.”

3. Write letters to complain about anything that isn’t exactly how you like it.

Abraham wrote a letter to the president, saying “Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.” While he didn’t specify which ones should be cut in the letter, on another occasion he said, “I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah.”

He also wrote a letter to complain about the commercials on TV, saying, “Dear advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.”

While many people would let these things slide, Abraham knows that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.

4. Make enemies with animals.

While humans deserve most of your wrath, animals aren’t automatically exempt. Every one of them is a potential threat, and you can never let your guard down.

Abraham once underestimated a turtle, who stole his false teeth and ran off. Adding insult to injury, when he finally caught up, the turtle bit him with his own teeth.

When a gorilla threatened to move in on his girlfriend, Abraham vowed to give him the frowning of a lifetime.

He was looking for a new pet at the retirement home, after they “accidentally killed that smart mouth bird.” Sure, “accidentally.”

5. Remain stuck in the past. Preferably, a past that never actually happened.

Abraham is very much stuck in a past that he created with his imagination, as well as what he was able to piece together from sugar packets. The past is much more important than the present, because you can make it whatever you want it to be, as long as you don’t get caught.

He claims to have invented the toilet, turned cats and dogs against each other, canceled Star Trek, lived in the head of the Statue of Liberty, been spanked by Grover Cleveland on two non-consecutive occasions, nearly killed Hitler with a javelin in the 1936 Olympics, invented kissing as a new way of spreading germs in World War I, and died in World War II.

Go ahead, try to prove him wrong (well, maybe we can prove he didn’t die in World War II since he’s alive today). Anything that’s not verifiably false is true enough. Don’t pay any attention to the present, because soon enough it becomes the past, and then you can change it to your liking.

This post is a sample entry for my “How To Be Miserable” Contest, sponsored by life coach Tim Brownson. Enter for your chance to win a book or a coaching session!