Image from Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)

Who said Gandhi didn’t wield a lightsaber? In a comment on yesterday’s post What Color Is Your Focusing Crystal?, Barbara asked about the ending to the cliffhanger video. The last we saw was Luke Skywalker cutting off Darth Vader’s hand, then realizing that he was walking down the path to the dark side.

First, a recap of the situation.

Our hero Luke Skywalker is in a terrible bind. He has set out to try to convince his father, Darth Vader, to abandon the dark side, believing that there’s still good in him. But Vader has no interest in turning, and wants Luke to join the dark side. The key to doing so is to get Luke to give in to anger.

The Emperor wants Luke to embrace his hate by killing Darth Vader. If he does, he’ll be converted to the dark side and take Vader’s place alongside the Emperor. Luke had resisted so far except for a brief loss of control (the clip in the previous post). But then he regained his composure, threw down his lightsaber, and refused to fight, saying that he’s a Jedi, and he will never join the dark side.

Then this happened (rated PG for sci-fi action violence):

It worked out well for Luke, but he had no reason to expect that a happy ending was even possible. It was a miracle that his father decided to turn good after 30 years of being the second most evil person in the galaxy. Luke was prepared to die because that was a better alternative than turning to the dark side.

Are there situations where it’s best to refuse to fight, and accept the consequences? While people usually err on the side of not fighting enough, I think sometimes it’s best to just let it go.

When someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t fight them. Don’t give in to hate, because nothing good will come of it.

When someone falsely accuses you of having ulterior motives, don’t fight them. You can’t convince them with words anyway.

When someone tells you you’re bound to fail, don’t fight them. They may be wrong and they may be right, but your fight is not with them.

By all means, fight when you have to, when the potential benefits outweigh the costs. But don’t let someone draw you into a fight that’s not worth it. A Jedi is wise enough to choose his battles.

Photo by José Miguel Serrano

Anger is bad for you. Really bad.

More than 30,000 heart attacks are caused by momentary anger each year. Angry people are more likely to be divorced, have worse jobs than others with the same education, and have fewer friends. According to a 2006 Harvard study, 10 million American men have an extreme form of anger called IED, or intermittent explosive disorder. Other studies have shown that angry men are three times more likely to develop premature cardiovascular disease, six times more likely to have an early heart attack, and three times more likely to have a stroke. Women suffer from anger too of course, but it affects them less. (Source: “Why So Angry?”, Men’s Health, May 2007.)

Obviously, controlling our anger is critical. Usually when we think of anger management, we think about taking deep breaths and visualizing a happy place. It’s certainly good advice to use these relaxation techniques to melt away the anger when it occurs. But I think we’re capable of avoiding much of our anger in the first place by looking at the situation and deciding whether anger is the best reaction. Anger Management 101 is about how to do this.

I recently ordered a product on radioshack.com, and had it shipped to the store in order to get free shipping. When I went to pick it up, two teenage guys were working there. They couldn’t find the package, and they didn’t even appear to be convinced that it had been delivered, in spite of the fact that I had the UPS delivery confirmation and the name of the person who signed for it. They didn’t seem competent, they didn’t do what they said they would (i.e., call the manager and get back to me), and they didn’t seem to care at all.

My natural reaction would have been to get angry, especially since there was no need for any of this to happen. But here’s where Anger Management 101 comes in. When we consciously decide how we’re going to respond to events that tend to elicit anger, we can get much better results than we would if we just let our emotions run the show. There are 5 steps to this approach.

1. Decide that you don’t want to be angry.

Maybe you think that if someone wrongs you, you have every right in the world to be angry, and maybe you’re right. But the thing is, your body doesn’t care—it will still give you a heart attack just the same. Just like you can’t win an earthquake, you can’t win at being angry. So just keep in mind that your goal is to not get angry. That’s how you win.

There may be cases where anger can benefit you. For example, I’ve heard that airline customer service reps are instructed to give customers preferential treatment based on how angry they get. I haven’t tested this myself, but it sounds like it’s probably true. I’m not saying you should use anger as a tool to get what you want, but even if you do, your anger would only benefit you for the few minutes you’re actually complaining. Then it would destroy your body for several hours after that. So even if you want to use anger, you still need to be able to control it.

2. Realize that the problem is probably much smaller than it appears.

Very often, even the worst case scenario really isn’t that bad when you think about it. In my situation, I realized that the worst case was a small inconvenience. They’d probably find my package at some point, but if not, they’d give me a refund. Even if they refused, I could call the credit card company and dispute the charge. Then I’d just place another order and try it again. The worst case scenario just meant some wasted time, but that’s it. And the worst case scenario rarely happens.

3. Think about the other people who are affected.

In fact, rather than being upset, I should feel sorry for the other people involved. The employees had terrible customer service skills, but that’s not really their fault. They didn’t pick their jobs because they really wanted to work there, but because their opportunities are limited at this point. They don’t like what they have to do every day, and their lack of training in customer relations will hurt them later in life. Also, the manager didn’t do anything wrong, but she would be held responsible if I had to get a refund.

4. Look for the silver lining.

Whenever I’m not thrilled with a situation, I look for a silver lining, and I usually find one. My experience with Radio Shack gave me the opportunity to come up with this method for anger management. Before then, I hadn’t really thought about how to deal with these situations other than by getting angry. It also gave me this blog post! This strengthens my blog and benefits other people as well.

5. After it’s over, look back and decide if it would have been worth getting angry.

The next day, I got a call that they had found the package. They said the reason they couldn’t find it was because it wasn’t in a brown box. (Gee, why not check all boxes, regardless of color?) I went down there, and they took out a brown box for me. When I pointed out that it was brown, the guy pointed to a white box and said he mistook it for that one. And it turns out he was even more mistaken than that, because I read the label on the brown box and it had the wrong name and product info. At this point I had yet another chance to use my newfound anger management strategy!

Anyway, the outcome was that I got the package one day late, after some annoying but also entertaining inconvenience. That’s not so bad in retrospect, right? Would it have been worth getting angry? Of course not. Save your anger for the times when it’s actually worth it (if ever). Bringing on long-term health problems for minor inconveniences is not a good deal for you. When you realize in hindsight that being angry wouldn’t have helped, you can remember this for next time.

So take it easy on your heart, your friends, and your family. React to situations consciously, and defuse anger before it starts.

When I went to Office Depot the other day, I was waiting in the checkout line and overheard a conversation another customer was having with an employee. I couldn’t hear everything, but it sounded like the customer had bought some items on another trip, had been overcharged by $110, and had come back to get the overcharge refunded.

There didn’t seem to be any problems, and after a couple of minutes he got his money back. Then he said “You know, you overcharge me by $110, I have to come all the way back here to get it taken care of, and you don’t say a single word of apology.” A few seconds passed and no one said anything. Then the customer continued, “You didn’t say ‘sorry,’ you didn’t say anything. Not a word.” Still, the employee said nothing.

Another employee overhead this, and came by to ask what was going on. The customer again complained that no one had apologized, and the employee said “sorry,” but that was it. The customer then left, grumbling under his breath.

Who made a faux pas here?

First of all, if your company accidentally overcharges someone by $110 and makes them come back to fix it, you need to apologize, whether or not you were the one who personally made the mistake. When you’re wearing a company’s uniform, you’re representing them. The customer doesn’t care which employee is at fault. If your company made a big mistake like this, you should apologize on their behalf.

To be fair, the employees may not have been properly trained on how to handle the situation. Then again, it’s common sense. If someone slipped up and almost cost you a lot of money, wouldn’t you want them to care? Even if you don’t like your job, we’re talking about basic human decency.

On the other hand, the customer wasn’t exactly an angel either. He was understandably upset when he noticed that he had been overcharged, and might have been uncertain as to whether he’d be able to get his money back without a big fight. I would have been annoyed at first, but then thankful that the situation was easily resolved. The employees should have apologized profusely, but they didn’t. They were at fault, but why do you need to complain about it?

I understand wanting to be treated well, but if you’re not, then you just move on. The customer complained by choice, not necessity. He complained several times in the store, probably obsessed about it on the way home, and might even have let it put him in a bad mood the next day. All because he didn’t get an apology from someone he doesn’t know who probably was not the one who personally overcharged him. If he got a good apology right away, would that have been enough, or would he have picked something else to complain about, like the inconvenience of having to come back to the store?

When something doesn’t go exactly your way, you can choose to complain, or you can choose to let it go. Even if it’s someone else’s fault, why not take the high road?

Photo by telefrancais

Very often, people set out to do something, and then give up because it turns out to be too hard. They find they have to put in much more effort than they expected, they receive undeserved harsh treatment from others, they see results that are far from satisfactory, and they conclude that they just don’t have what it takes.

That’s not true. Meeting with tremendous amounts of resistance is perfectly normal. It’s supposed to be way too hard. It’s the world’s way of filtering out people who don’t want it bad enough. So don’t think you’re doing something wrong. You just need to develop your mental toughness.

There’s a great scene in the movie “Rocky Balboa” where Rocky’s son is complaining about living in his Dad’s shadow and having a hard time getting something for himself. After the usual sentimental parenting talk, Rocky lays out the bitter truth:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!”

People would do well to take this advice to heart. A few months ago, someone filled out a form on another one of my websites to request some help for the business he was struggling in. He said that he was having a hard time because his prospects were too skeptical to provide their contact information. Ironically, he provided a fake number and only his first initial (even though his full name was in his email address). In the email I sent him, I said “excuse me for saying so, but aren’t you doing the same thing?” My point was simply that you have to give a little to get a little, but he took it too hard.

The appropriate reaction on his part would have been to say “You know what? I’m guilty of doing the very thing I’m complaining about other people doing! I need to keep in mind that if I’m inherently distrustful, that will come across to others and affect how they act towards me.” A less helpful but still understandable reaction would have been to justify his actions by saying “Well, I didn’t know who you were, and I thought you might put me on some kind of list.”

But instead, he said “Because you insulted me, I’ll go with someone else. Don’t bother replying because I added you to my spam filter.” Now think about that. Because he couldn’t handle hearing something that wasn’t 100% what he wanted to hear, he decided to flush his business down the toilet. He can’t “go with someone else” because no other company does what he needs, and I’m sure he’s still having the problems he was seeking help for.

If you want to be successful in anything, you can’t get derailed by every minor imperfection in the world. If you get all bent out of shape every time a bunny is too soft or a rainbow is too bendy, you’re never going to get anywhere.

But learning not to be bothered by trivial matters just gets you caught up to normal. You have to go way, way beyond that and develop an extraordinary, almost superhuman level of mental toughness. When customers are unbelievably rude to you for no reason, when you make a mistake that causes a major setback, when people who are close to you tell you that you have no chance, you have to just shake it off and keep going.

I’m not going to pretend that this is even remotely easy. I haven’t mastered this skill myself, even though I’ve been working on it for years. It definitely takes practice, but the best way to get started is simply to realize that everything has a price, and decide that what you want is worth the price.

Developing mental toughness is, well, tough…but what’s the alternative? Quitting before you even get started? Letting unfortunate events ruin your attitude and thereby invite more of the same? Remember that at one point you decided that the life you wanted was worth fighting for. You don’t give up on your dreams just because achieving them turns out to be harder than you think it should be. You can have what you want, be you gotta be willing to take the hits. Develop your mental toughness.

Image from Rocky Balboa (2006)

In one scene from the movie “Rocky Balboa,” Rocky, who’s now a couple of decades past his prime, is listening to his trainer Duke talking about his strategy for his upcoming fight against the world heavyweight champion. Duke says to him:

“To beat this guy, you need speed. You don’t have it. And your knees can’t take the pounding, so hard running is out. And you got arthritis in your neck, and you’ve got calcium deposits on most of your joints, so sparring is out.

So, what we’ll be calling on is good ol’ fashioned blunt force trauma. Horsepower. Heavy-duty, cast-iron, pile driving punches that will have to hurt so much they’ll rattle his ancestors. Every time you hit him with a shot, it’s gotta feel like he tried kissing the express train. Yeah! Let’s start building some hurtin’ bombs!”

I think there are at least a couple of lessons here. One lesson is that even when things change, and what used to work no longer does, that doesn’t mean there’s not another way. You just need to figure out how to adapt.

But the lesson that I want to talk about now is the importance of building some hurtin’ bombs. So what does this mean anyway?

Simply put, if you’re going up against a formidable opponent, and the smart money says you have no chance, you can’t win by putting up a ho-hum effort. You’ve got to tip the odds in your favor by taking those thunderous shots that show the world you mean business. You don’t beat the 1980 Russian Olympic hockey team by playing conservatively, you don’t defeat the Nazis without D-Day, and you don’t defeat Sauron without throwing the One Ring into the Cracks of Doom.

Let’s look at some more practical examples. In writing this blog, I know I have lots of stiff competition in the personal development arena, and I’m not going to get noticed by only writing posts that are merely “fair” or “good.” Now realistically, such posts will have to be my bread and butter, but I’d rather write one post that really strikes a nerve with my readers and has the potential to be considered lifechanging, than write ten posts that are fine but really not that special in the grand scheme of things.

Depending on your situation, a hurtin’ bomb could be many different things. It could be your decision to change your career field. It could be the first steps of starting a new business. It could be learning a new skill that you can leverage to your advantage. It could be having a breakthrough session in marriage counseling. It could be deciding to make a particular investment. Whatever it is, the point is that to get out of a rut and make significant changes in your life, you can’t be blasé about it. You have to have the courage to dig deep and take those thunderous shots that mean the difference between winning and losing.

Don’t just jab your way through a mediocre life. Go for the knockout by throwing some hurtin’ bombs.