Let’s Agree To Disagree
December 17th, 2008
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Photo by Leonid Mamchenkov
Recently I’ve read two blog posts that spawned major debates in the comments. In one of these posts, there were many people commenting on multiple sides of an issue, with lots of well-reasoned arguments as well as a lot of emotion. It was very entertaining to read. Perhaps it went a bit too far, but everyone seemed fine in the end.
But in the other one, things got completely out of hand. One person was extremely disrespectful of others and repeatedly went out of his way to be rude. Surprisingly, the blog owner seemed OK with it. I stepped in with a comment to try to calm things down, and the owner emailed me. It turns out that the rude commenter had ultimately been blacklisted. I guess the owner wasn’t as OK with it as I thought.
While the second case was obviously an example of what not to do, I think a little disagreement is a good thing. When I see environments where everyone is always agreeing about everything, it just seems a little fake to me. People are supposed to be different. If your opinion is different from someone else’s, that’s OK.
When it comes to this blog, I don’t want anyone to feel that they can’t disagree with me. It’s good to share different viewpoints, and sometimes we can all learn a lot from disagreement. Of course, I can’t say that I’ll agree with everything you say, but at least I’ll listen.
Then again, there’s a right way and a wrong way to disagree. Here are some tips for disagreeing on this blog or anywhere else.
1. Decide what you want to gain by arguing. If I see a blogger post something completely ignorant and irresponsible, sometimes I want to cause trouble. But in most cases I don’t. If your goal is just to politely offer a different point of view, keep this in mind as you write your comment, and don’t take it too far.
2. Be respectful of other people. If you come off as being a raving lunatic hell-bent on putting other people down, no good will come of it.
3. You don’t have to argue about everything you disagree with. It’s important to pick your battles, and every disagreement is a tiny battle. A little bit now and then is fine, but if you’re constantly nitpicking, people will quickly tire of you.
4. If possible, agree before you disagree. If you generally agree with what someone said and you just want to argue with one point, be sure to comment on what you liked first. It makes your criticism seem less harsh, and people will be more willing to try to see things your way.
5. Don’t think you have to finish every argument. Outside of a formal debate, there won’t necessarily be a winner of an argument. After you make your point, a lot of back and forth is probably not going to help. Say it, be heard, but don’t beat a dead horse.
You might not have noticed that the photo at the top is a photoshopped image of someone arguing with himself. I think this is an appropriate image because it shows that a disagreement doesn’t have to be “us” vs. “them.” We can all be on the same team, and just toss around different opinions because it keeps things interesting and helps expand our thoughts. If we can just argue in a respectful way, I’m sure we can agree to disagree.
This was an old draft post that had been sitting around since February. I’m posting it now because I’m about to write a post about constructive criticism, and I was reminded of this post.
By the way, those of you who read IttyBiz know that Naomi turned off comments not that long ago. She said her blog was meant to be a lecture, not a conversation, and that lame comments were impacting her writing, driving away nice people, and giving bad advice.
I think it’s perfectly fine to decide that your blog will not be a conversation, but that’s not the direction I’m taking with my blog. Feel free to converse!
I see some people out there saying that a certain blogger deleted their comment, and how dare they censor them, and why don’t they believe in the value of debate, and the First Amendment guarantees them the right to leave any comment they want (though it doesn’t), etc.
I’ve never written up a comment policy, but suffice it to say that I reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason. Yes, that’s censorship. Of course I’m going to censor some things. I don’t guarantee anyone the right to leave blog graffiti here.
Having said that, I’m not going to delete a comment simply because I disagree with it. Disagreement is fine. A comment would need to contain a rather large amount of rudeness and/or stupidity for me to delete it, and fortunately, I get very few of those.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Thank you for posting this reminder that we need to be respectful of all our fellow posters, bloggers, commentators, etc. We each have our own strong opinions and are passionate people about many issues and those opinions can be shared in a respectful way in any medium.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Nice post , Hunter, I like what you said about trying to agree before you disagree. That is a great way to have a constructive conversation, because that way they feel their opinion is valued, right before you show them it is wrong.
Kidding!
Conrad Hees´s last blog post..How Willing Are You to Invest in Yourself?
December 17th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Great post!!!
Okay, that wasn’t very interesting, I guess.
As a blogger myself, I find disagreeing comments interesting. This is one of the reasons I like guest posting at Pick The Brain — their readers have very different ideas compared to my own reader who typically have done some spiritual development already.
The problem is when they become manipulative. This can be done in a short tactful way that still hurt others badly.
Akemi – Yes to Me´s last blog post..Freedom From The Fear Of Death
December 17th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Delete me, I dare you… OK, I am just kidding..
Anyway, excellent post (damn it, I wanted to disagree with you!).
I actually have a little to add to this, but it is not for blogging. I was the new network administrator at a health care organization (pretty big, covered all of VT and NH). When I was hired, I was told that I needed to hire my own IT team. SWEET. I loved that idea. So here is how my interview went with potential employees;
I made sure tell everyone who worked for me ( and the ones I hired are still there) that we ARE GOING TO DISAGREE. Guaranteed. And that it only matters how we handle the situation. I let them know that I am the boss, but I ALWAYS listen to ideas. I am very open to anyone’s ideas because I know that I cannot do everything myself and will need to TRUST the people that work for me.If they do not open their mouths, I don’t know what’s up.
But, I don’t get LOUD or ANGRY with anyone, I will however send you ass home if you get loud with me (that was hard because I was 24 and my employees were older than me.
So I take this with me to the comment section. I find know good in arguing, I will make a point if I am correct (with proof, not just in my mind) otherwise, I shut up and go do some research….
Damn, sorry that was long. I have had a long day…
Jim Gaudet´s last blog post..A Realist Take on The Secret and The Law of Attraction
December 18th, 2008 at 1:53 am
@ Heather, strong opinions can easily cause conflict, can’t they? That’s why it’s important to be careful about how we express them. We don’t need more enemies than necessary.
@ Conrad, good one! You had me going there for a split second.
@ Akemi, oh yeah, PTB definitely has a different audience from what you have at your blog. Of course, you’ll get some people saying “intuition is crap.” If they would only rephrase that in a more constructive manner, we’d all benefit from a much better discussion in the comments.
@ Jim, hmmm…if I deleted you, no one would get the joke because they wouldn’t know you said to delete you! I guess LOUD or ANGRY or ALL CAPS is a sign that we’re TAKING THINGS TOO FAR!
December 18th, 2008 at 2:55 am
I argue every blog owner should have a blog comment policy. You can see mine by clicking my name above, and then visiting my “policies” tab at the top. That way, any question, I can point offenders to the policy.
Ari Herzog´s last blog post..Share Inspiration
December 18th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Disagreements are always more fun, except when the other person’s argument comes from emotion or belief. Just because someone “believes” a certain view is better is not enough. They need to back up this “belief” with actual facts or rational thought. This is where we, as a society, have lost our way. We (not everyone of course) seem to have grown lazy with our arguments and have beliefs instead of informed opinions.
Chad @ sentient money´s last blog post..A Rebound Built on Sand
December 18th, 2008 at 9:50 am
@Chad – well said. I have nothing to add, except I agree.
Jim Gaudet´s last blog post..This is Way too Personal…
December 18th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I both enjoy reading disagreeing positions and posting them myself when I do disagree but there is a way to disagree and share your opinion or present dissenting facts and a way to come across completely unprofessional and even inhumane. I have actually read comments on blogs lately where people said incredibly nasty things regarding a person that had been killed, and they did not even know the person; just read the story and inferred what kind of person they were and then said horrible things. Also lately, there have actually been threats posted to the writers of certain columns and other equally mean and terrible things like that. It is only my opinion but I don’t read postings, columns, articles, etc that really warrant anyone threatening anyone so it surprises me that instead of just saying anything at all if they don’t like the author, they post horrendous stuff (and don’t use their name of course). Again, great reminder that there is a way to post and a way to disagree and it is the professional and respectful way.
December 18th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Hi Hunter,
I didn’t get “Intuition is crap” comment when I wrote about intuition at PTB, but I did get comment from someone who thinks intuition is just another form of inductive reasoning done in the subconscious. That was an eye-opener — I didn’t know that kind of interpretation even existed.
I just did another guest post there about space clearing, and this time the negativity is stronger. You know why? Because this post suggests very doable actions to improve their lives — so they need to disagree to stay in their comfort zone ^_^ Quite interesting to watch.
Akemi – Yes to Me´s last blog post..Success Secrets And The Catch
December 18th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
@ Ari, but do you find that offenders care about the policy? If I were going to spam someone (which I wouldn’t), I wouldn’t check to see if it conflicted with their policy.
@ Chad, I agree, there’s not enough rational thought out there.
@ Heather, I haven’t seen these comments you’re talking about, but they sound way over the line, obviously. At some point, I think deleting comments is fine if they don’t add anything to the conversation.
@ Akemi, I saw both those comments. Pretty tame compared to some I’ve seen, but I guess people can react negatively to things they’re not used to, especially when you’re suggesting action.
July 11th, 2011 at 7:46 am
total blöder mist!