Photo by Erik Charlton
Advice. We love to give it, we hate to receive it. I’m talking about everything from the very gentle “why don’t you try it this way” to the very blunt “you must die now.” It’s very easy to create unintended consequences with seemingly harmless advice, especially if you’ve been infected with the critic virus.
Differences of opinion
Once my boss said to me, “Nice tie. But it needs to hang a little lower.” I looked at my tie and thought it looked fine. Then I saw that his tie came down really low. I said, “Well, they say it’s supposed to just touch the top of your belt buckle, but I like it to go a little bit lower than that.” He said, “No, it’s supposed to completely cover your belt buckle. Look it up.” I said, “I did look it up. You look it up. Anyway, it’s a matter of opinion.” This eventually reached the “I know you are, but what am I” stage before it was broken up by a phone call.
At another job, my boss saw me in a tie and said, “Nice tie. But it’s coming down too low.” I just groaned and said “No, it’s not,” probably sounding more annoyed than the situation warranted, just because I wasn’t interested in going through that again. What was I supposed to say? “Thanks for the advice. My opinion of how to tie a tie has suddenly changed to match your opinion. I’ll continue tying it that way until the next person disagrees.” No, that would sound too sarcastic.
Dumb advice
Some advice is just plain wrong. Once I was at my juggling club, attempting a trick under a ceiling that was really too low for it. Someone said, “You’re throwing the balls way too fast.” I said, “I agree, but that’s because the ceiling’s too low.” He said, “Well, I’ve seen someone do that at the same height, but he did it much slower.”
At first I thought he was kidding, but no, he just didn’t have much of a grasp on the laws of physics. What was I supposed to say? “Brilliant advice! I’ll just work on changing the acceleration due to gravity. Dumbass!” No, that would be too mean.
Angry comments
I recently received this comment on my blog, in which I’ll *** out some of the words:
“You sick ******* liberal piece of ****. You’re a coward and a sick pathetic fool like all liberals. You spit on the graves of every dead victim of Terrorism and in the faces of every American soldier. You’re nothing but a parasite on society. I hope you get to watch your family members die in front of you in a terrorist attack.”
Gee, don’t hold back. Why don’t you tell me what you really think?
It’s still in my moderation queue, but I’m thinking “mark as spam and delete.” And the person who left it was anonymous of course, so I’m curious about his definition of “coward.” I’m also curious about the kind of person who leaves comments like this. I wonder if these people are 40 year old drug addicts living in their parents’ basement, or if they appear normal most of the time and only turn angry under the veil of anonymity.
But actually, this kind of criticism is the easiest to deal with. It’s clearly not based in reality (am I even a liberal?), nor do I feel the need to respond, so all I have to do is delete it. Problem solved.
“I’m just trying to help”
The toughest criticism to deal with is the kind that comes from people who are “just trying to help.” What is that supposed to mean, anyway? If you’re “just trying to help,” is that supposed to give you immunity? Having good intentions might get you off on manslaughter instead of murder, but wouldn’t it have been better not to kill anyone?
I don’t care if someone is “trying to help.” In fact, it makes it worse. Because instead of just ignoring criticism from someone who’s not trying to help, I have to think of a way to politely say, “Thanks for your advice, but I’m going to ignore it. I hope you’re not mad, but you’re wrong because…”
Come to think of it, needing to respond is the only reason I have a problem receiving criticism. If someone criticizes me on their blog, I can just read it and decide whether I want to respond. But if someone sends me an email or approaches me in person, and tells me what I’m doing wrong, I have to say something. But what? Here are some possibilities, though not necessarily in the exact wording you would use:
Option 1: “You’re right! I never thought about it that way, and now I totally agree.”
This is possible, but not that likely unless there’s a teacher-student relationship or something like that. If it’s advice from one peer to another, then to achieve this happy ending, the critic would have to not only know what they’re talking about, but also be on the same wavelength as the other person. There are lots of different wavelengths.
Option 2: “I understand that you have your opinion. But obviously I disagree, or I would have already been doing it that way. I disagree because…”
This settles the matter by explaining why you’re not going to listen to them, but it’s not what they want to hear. It’s likely to result in “Geez, I’m just trying to help.”
Option 3: “Thanks, I’ll think about it.”
There are some cases where you’ll eventually change your mind after you hear enough about it. I didn’t use Gmail right away, but someone told me about it a few times, and then one day when I needed to email myself a file too big for Yahoo to handle, I got a Gmail account. And there have been times when I was considering something, but just hadn’t been fully persuaded yet, so I was open to any input. Advice can potentially be very constructive when phrased as “Consider doing this…” instead of “You suck because…”
“I’ll think about it” actually seems like a very good response because it shows that you’re listening, but it doesn’t commit you to anything. On the other hand, is it OK to say you’ll think about it, if you know that you really won’t? If someone tells me “Your posts are too wordy, you should just list a few bullet points,” should I say “OK, I’ll think about it,” or should I explain why I’m not going to do it?
Tips for giving advice:
1. Remember that they didn’t ask for your advice. But if you really think you can help, approach with caution.
2. Give one piece of advice at a time. They don’t want a list of the top 10 reasons they suck.
3. Realize that your opinion is just your opinion. They might have a different one. So might billions of other people.
4. Don’t get mad if they don’t comply. Maybe they just have different tastes. Or maybe they’re just not there yet. Or maybe your sales pitch sucks.
Tips for receiving advice:
1. Comments from drunk morons…just ignore them.
2. If it’s helpful advice like “This link is broken” or “You have parsley stuck in your teeth,” say “Thanks!”
3. If the advice is potentially helpful but you’re not ready to jump on it yet, say “Thanks, I’ll think about it.”
4. If you disagree with the advice, or you’re sick of hearing it, or the person doesn’t know what they’re talking about…well, I don’t know. Your thoughts?
What I’d like to be able to do in the case of advice I’m sick of hearing is say, “Oh, right. You’ve said that before. I’ve let it pass up til now but I’m not going to do that any more, so I’d appreciate it if we could agree that you’ve advised me and I’ve decided not to take your advice. Then we can both move on, okay?” But instead, I just pour myself another drink.
Betsy Wuebker´s last blog post..A SONG, A SONG HIGH ABOVE THE TREES . . .
I’m usually crushing the person’s argument who is giving the advice, as there are few people more introverted and rational than me. After I use rational thought to correct their error, I always want to say, “I have already thought about this 5 zillion different ways and came to this conclusion. What do you think introverts do with all their time? We think. Try it some time.”
Chad @ sentient money´s last blog post..A Rebound Built on Sand
You say “But if someone sends me an email or approaches me in person, and tells me what I’m doing wrong, I have to say something. ” I say “why?” Especially if it’s an email. Just delete it.
In person it’s harder but my response to “your tie is too long” type criticism is basically “seriously, you want to waste time discussing this?”
I keep trying to teach my kids not to argue about things that are unprovable, yes you did, no I didn’t, or matter of opinion kind of arguments. Why do adults do it?
quantum physics wavelengths, great!
“Realize that your opinion is just your opinion. They might have a different one. So might billions of other people.” – I think this is your best point. You have to realize they everyone is different and their minds work different. So you have to be open to listen.
For you last ?; I say that I will always research it and make my own opinion. I try very hard not to say something that will cause the other person to feel that I am telling they are wrong.
@carol – Why do adults do it? Well, I think after years of having these types of conversations or confrontations, we have a number in our head. How ofter were we right? If we were right more often, then we take the numbers and think that we are most likely right, and don’t care to make sure.
Jim Gaudet´s last blog post..An Open Letter to Protesters
I was once in a group of coworkers when someone commented that they liked my new hair color. My so-called best friend said, “You missed a spot,” in front of all of them. How embarrasing. I said, “Thanks, I think.”
I think posts which articulate a lot of problems may encourage people to think that the poster is looking for solutions from the readers. I have noticed, and I could quote a book on this if I had the book, that women tend more to interpret criticism as being helpful, while men tend to interpret it as challenging their expertise and saying, “You’re wrong, do what I say.”
I mostly try not to be as much of a people-pleaser as I used to be, not agreeing with everyone any more to avoid making them angry. I don’t tend to get a lot of advice, but if I don’t like it, I’ll probably say that, for my own reasons, I’m not going to do that, or if I’m feeling lazy, just say “Thanks.” However, if they’re persistent to the point of being rude, I have no problem being rude back.
Dot´s last blog post..How to Get Published
I’m assuming that your article is only referring to strangers or acquaintances. In general, if I truly respect the person giving advice, I will listen no matter how off the wall the suggestion is. So on the receiving end, I might add “Give every suggestion a chance if it’s from someone you respect”. I’ve picked up many more efficient ways of doing things just by listening no matter how ridiculous the suggestion sounds at first.
Steve C @ MyWifeQuitHerJob.com´s last blog post..Underhanded Selling Tactics That Work But Should You Use Them?
I’m learning to filter out anything that’s said anonymously. If they don’t have the courage to use their real names when they give it, then it’s not advice or criticism. It’s just an outlet to their own issues.
@ Betsy, uh-oh, I don’t know if another drink is a good way to handle it!
@ Chad, I guess that will work, if you’re not concerned about burning bridges.
@ Carol, I guess I don’t have to respond if it’s an email, but if someone has gone to the trouble of writing to me in an attempt to help, I feel like I should respond.
@ Jim, oh no, let’s not get into quantum physics!
@ Dot, I can’t believe your friend said that about your hair! Good call about people inviting advice by articulating problems. What book are you referring to? Mars/Venus?
@ Steve, yes, I guess I was thinking more about strangers and acquaintances. If the person is close to you, it’s a lot easier to give and receive advice without worrying about unintended consequences.
@ Vered, I usually find it easy to ignore anonymous stuff. I guess you’re right – it’s just an outlet for them.
Hi Hunter,
Great post. I love your writing and this is a great rant. I wrote a similar guest post over at motivate thyself.
http://motivatethyself.com/2008/12/10/why-not-listening-to-others-simplifies-life/
Ive always been one that considers it wise to listen to people’s opinions. Like Steve says, you never know when something good may come of it. I have a pretty thick skin though.
I think the problem comes in filtering it properly. Many people have accidentally given me bad advice. Mainly because they didn’t know any better. What applies well to their life may not apply so well to mine.
To answer your last question though…
I always like flipping things around on people with verbal judo. Answer everything with a question. How would your advice improve my life? Have you taken your own advice? Give me an example of when it worked for you. Do you think it will work for me? Wear them out with enough questions and they will eventually give up. It’s funny to see it work, but its the best thing Ive found to work with people like you described in #4.
If all else fails, asking lots of questions buys you enough time to figure out how to say what you really want to say. Questioning also makes the person realize if their advice is good or not (sometimes), and helps them save face when they realize they are wrong.
What do you think of taking my advice?
Cheers,
Jeremy
Jeremy Day´s last blog post..Health is a Mindset and a Lifestyle
I’m not saying I use that tact all the time, just that I really really want to use it all the time. Probably the reason I like the show House so much.
Chad @ Sentient Money´s last blog post..A Rebound Built on Sand
Hi
Sometimes, when giving advice (particularly if the other person may be defensive or is very sensitive etc.), it’s useful to include what the person is doing right as well.
Juliet
PS I can’t believe that someone would submit such a comment!
LifeMadeGreat | Juliet´s last blog post..What To Do When Someone Is Unpleasant Towards You
Hi Hunter –
Do you have something written on your tie that says, “critique me”? Wow!
As for receiving advice, I always consider the source and if they might have a hidden agenda. By first reaction is to become defensive, but after I think about it, I may use all or part of the advice I received. When passing out advice, I won’t unless asked, and even then I’ll say something like, “have you thought of this?” Or “here’s some food for thought”.
With regard to the comment you received, if it was on my blog, I would mark it as spam.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog post..Twitter – Social Media’s Hidden Gem
@ Jeremy, verbal judo sounds very tiring for both people.
Yet it seems like it could work well. I’ll have to give it a try.
@ Chad, OK, I know that feeling. Sometimes I have to force myself to be nice.
@ Juliet, definitely. If you tell the person what they’re doing right as well, they could take the criticism better, especially people who are especially defensive or sensitive. That comment was a bit rude, don’t you think?
@ Barbara, nope, it was just a normal tie, not a “critique me” tie! It’s good to try not to become too defensive, because you’re right, you might end up using some of the advice. Yes, I marked that comment as spam.
I just wanted to say how much I enjoy you making an effort to respond to everyone 90% of the time. It makes it more enjoyable to check out your comment sections, as an effort from the host always promotes discussion.
Chad @ Sentient Money´s last blog post..A Rebound Built on Sand
@ Chad, this is something I struggle with – deciding the best way to spend my time. I like responding to comments, but I wonder if I should be writing another post or commenting somewhere else instead. Since I don’t know if people will even check back to see if I replied to their comment, I’m not sure how important it is to answer them all. I guess I should make the effort now, since I don’t get a lot of comments yet. Someday, I might get too many comments to reply to each one.
That is a legit question. I don’t think you or any writer should make an effort to answer them all, as not all responses are interesting enough to warrant a response (including mine). I do think blog hosts should check out comments on recent posts (1-3 days) continually and respond to interesting comments.
Personally, I always check out comments I make at blogs I like, even when the comments aren’t special. I crave the discussion, even if it’s very confrontational. Opposing opinion interests me from people I respect, whether it’s the blog host or other commentors.
I have very few comments on my blog, so it’s easy for me to say.
Chad @ Sentient Money´s last blog post..A Rebound Built on Sand
Hi Hunter – as someone who has given you advice in the past, I hope I haven’t made you feel that you’ve got to do what I say. I wouldn’t be annoyed if you ignored me. I give you advice to help you – not to make you feel bad.
That comment you were left was really low. It’s tough not to let that type of thing get to you but as you say – there’s no point listening to the opinion of a mentally unstable coward on crack.
@ Chad, I think you get few comments just because you write about complicated stuff. I see you analyzing the numbers, and I think “OK, I guess the economy’s in bad shape,” but I don’t have anything useful to add. I’m inclined to agree with you about responding to interesting comments (or comments where the person has asked me a question). Even Darren Rowse responds to some comments, he’s just very selective about it.
@ Cath, no, not at all. You never overwhelmed me with suggestions, and your advice was interesting because it was stuff I hadn’t thought about before. I even acted on at least some of it. Now, it would be different if you flooded me with advice, and came off meaner, and gave bad tips! Yeah, that comment wasn’t the classiest in the world, but I can deal with that pretty well.
@ Hunter, you are probably right, concerning the low number of comments on my blog. Plus, I don’t write enough right now to get a lot of traffic.
Chad @ Sentient Money´s last blog post..A Rebound Built on Sand
[...] How To Give And Receive Advice (With Minimal Casualties): Hunter Nuttall discusses how to deal with bad advice. When do we say “thank you” but no “thank you”. And how do we deal with obscene attacks from deranged cowards? [...]
[...] way to inflate self doubt is to begin “shopping” your idea to family and friends for their advice. If your family and friends are your greatest cheerleaders and/or potential customers for your new [...]
The book I was referring to is “You Just Don’t Understand,” by Georgetown University linguistics professor Deborah Tannen. There’s a slight possibility that I was actually referring to “He Said, She Said,” by the same author, since I’ve read both of them. She has since written more.
After reading her books, I finally understood a whole variety of things my husband had been saying and doing that I hadn’t understood. It also helped me understand a gay male co-worker who, when his boss asked how he was coming along with a project, got angry and said to me, “Why is she disrespecting me like this? If she didn’t trust me with the project, she shouldn’t have given it to me.” After reading Tannen, I understood where this out-of-the-blue (to me) comment came from.
Dot´s last blog post..How to Get Published, Part 2
Hi Hunter: I didn’t know you were in a juggling club. Learning to juggle is one pf the items on my life list which I hope to cross off in 2009. I’ve never paid much attention to the length of men’s ties, but I’ll try to take more notice in the future. More and more my life motto is “Live and let live”.
@ Dot, that sounds like an interesting book. I’ll keep it in mind for future reading.
@ Marelisa, I don’t attend the juggling club much anymore, but I still practice sometimes. Yeah, I saw juggling on your life list, and thought it was a good idea!
[...] How to Give and Receive Advice (With Minimal Casualties) – Hunter Nuttall [...]