In season 3 of the reality show Beauty and the Geek, Mario and his partner were sent home because of this question:
“What is the term that refers to your date duplicating your body language or adopting your speaking rhythm?”
Mario answered “mimicking,” but the official answer was “mirroring.” I’m not sure that Mario’s answer was technically wrong, but mimicking usually refers to imitation for the purpose of making fun of someone, while mirroring is imitation for the purpose of building rapport.
A good example of mirroring is shown in this scene from Hot Shots!, where Charlie Sheen on his motorcycle mirrors Valeria Golino on her horse (until he can’t keep up).
Mirroring can be done in many ways, because there are so many aspects to our behavior. You might see that someone is leaning against a wall, with their hands in their pockets, looking relaxed, speaking slowly and softly, and sometimes glancing at the floor. You can pick any of these behaviors to mirror.
To some extent, you naturally mirror people you like. If you think about it, you’ll probably see that you act slightly differently depending on who you’re talking to, because it just seems right to blend in a little. People also mirror because they look to others to determine acceptable behavior. Some people say the best way to silence a drunk is to speak softly, which encourages them to do the same.
People like being mirrored because they like people who are similar to them, even if they’re not aware of it. They might not realize that you’re mirroring them, but they’ll have a good feeling about you. You might even be able to pick up on their feelings by copying their movements. And keep an eye out for when someone is mirroring you, because it means they like you.
Obviously, you don’t want to overdo it. If you match someone’s movements perfectly, imitate their accent, and parrot back everything they say, they’ll think you’re making fun of them. Then they’ll ask “Why are you doing that?” and you’ll repeat “Why are you doing that?” They’ll say “Stop that!” so you’ll say “Stop that!” and they’ll think you’re in third grade.
Have you ever tried mirroring someone deliberately?
Yes, I definitely use this technique in meetings and interviews to help people feel comfortable faster. I will lean in when they lean in. Or make sure I uncross my arms, if their’s are uncrossed. You are correct, it has to be subtle, and not overused. But if used properly, it can be a very powerful tool.
Urban Panther´s last blog post..Not so mundane after all
hi! just wanted to tell you that i finally translated your post of 14 scarface lessons in my blog!!! check it out!!! and thanks a lot!!!
Hi Hunter,
Funny you mention the drunken scenario…. yes, I remember using that frequently in NYC with friends who had drank a little too much…. The quiet voice USUALLY does help bring things down a notch.
I have also been aware of it watching my son around his friends – they all wind up sounding and acting like each other with the same quotes and mannerisms within an hour or so together!
I will definitely be more aware of this in my own life in other situations and try to utilize it more. Thanks Hunter!
Fun clip from Hot Shots!
Love, Jenny
Jenny Mannion´s last blog post..The “Paging Me System” — A Method to Heal Pain Naturally
Hahahaha….the video is sooo funny!! Yes, most definitely, a good example about mirroring. In fact, I was about to say that guys who are able to master the art of mirroring during dates, tend to score better!!
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..The Lipstick Indicator To Great Wealth
Hi Hunter: When you have rapport with someone you naturally mirror them. It’s amazing to me how some people completely miss body language. I watch women at my gym going after men who have absolutely no interest in them (their feet point away from the woman, as if they’re on their way somewhere else, they move back when the woman moves toward them, they look down at their ipod while the woman talks to them searching for the next song they’re going to listen to . . . ). I just think: “he’s clearly letting you know he’s not interested”. I loved that video!
Marelisa´s last blog post..100 Essential Life Lessons
@ Urban Panther, thanks for mentioning arm crossing. This can lead to confusion because people sometimes mistake it for defensiveness, when it might just be because the person is cold!
@ so, yes, I saw that. Thank you for translating!
@ Jenny, glad to have confirmation that the drunk thing really works. I guess kids also mirror each other in wanting to have all the same stuff as their friends.
@ Evelyn, I noticed in your StumbleUpon comment that you said this is an NLP technique. I had no idea about that, but now that’s another reason to check out NLP.
@ Marelisa, I could understand missing the foot signal, but looking at their ipod? That seems pretty clear!
Your post is spot on. I always adjust my language and verbiage depending on who I’m hanging out with. I also carry myself differently as well depending on the setting. It’s something that most people do subconsciously. This can get annoying as well. Sometimes I hang out with friends who try to act cool and serious around certain people. Drives me crazy because they are total goof balls in real life!
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Hi Hunter. Yes I’ve done it. In a life coaching training workshop we were paired up and instructed to mirror each other without words. We followed each other’s lead so it was a challenge of following and leading and being present with your partner. It was a lot of fun!
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@ Steve, I hadn’t thought about the effect that mirroring can have on people observing it. I guess it can get annoying if you’re thinking “He’s not like that in real life!”
@ Davina, I’m sure it would be fun to mirror someone in a workshop, but I might find it annoying for them to mirror me. What if they didn’t stop after the workshop ended? You might need a restraining order! I guess maybe life coaches are more mature than that.
Hi Hunter – I find myself mirroring people quite often, although I don’t know if I’ve done it intentionally. I’ll have to make a conscious effort to do so and see if it makes a difference.
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@ Barbara, same with me – I know I do it, but I’m not sure if I’ve done it intentionally. I’m going to try to keep it in mind though.