How To Piss People Off With Email: A Complete Guide
November 18th, 2008
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1. Email the wrong people.
Use the element of surprise. You always want people to wonder “who is this person, and why are they emailing me?” It’s a good idea to email everyone in your address book, since you’re bound to have lots of people in there who barely remember you. If you have an opt-in mailing list, at least make sure your email is irrelevant to the topic of your list.
2. Send emails way too often.
Every second that goes by without sending an email is a missed opportunity that can never be recovered. Since Americans receive 5,000 marketing messages a day, you need to stand out by making sure that at least half of them are yours.
3. Use vague, tacky subject lines.
If your subject reveals how lame your email is, people might not want to read it. Be sure your subjects make it impossible for people to ignore your emails. Some examples:
- Want to know what cool thing I’m doing right now?
- Do you know this great secret of life?
- Exclusive opportunity – act now!
- DON’T read this if you’re not ready to be amazed!
- Are you too stupid to read this email?
4. Start off with a ridiculously flashy intro.
People will be bored by an email sent under normal conditions. You need to be clear that you’re in the middle of something exciting. For example:
“I’m sending this email from my Blackberry while riding my jet ski over what I think might be the lost city of Atlantis. I’ll have to go in for a closer look, but first I wanted to quickly let you know about a new program I’m offering…”
5. Emphasize the effortless riches.
Dollar amounts keep going up, so you need bigger numbers to impress people. And people are lazier than ever, so you can’t let them think that effort might be required.
Try something like “Make MOUNTAINS OF MONEY overnight with ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT. This is a FULLY AUTOMATED SYSTEM and it can be run WITHOUT EVER GETTING OUT OF BED OR EVEN BEING ALIVE. Don’t ask why we need you if that’s the case, just enjoy THE INSTANT INFUSION OF MEGACASH!”
6. Use specific numbers, while being as vague as possible.
Specific numbers lend credibility, but any particular number might not be big enough. Whatever number they like, you want them to think it’s possible. So stretch out the range as far as you can. For example:
“You do not need to do anything at all to make a minimum of $10,000 a month! If you do well, you could make up to $30,000 a month OR MORE! Some people make up to $100,000 a month PLUS $50,000 a month. OR MORE!”
7. Use excessive formatting.
Plain text is boring. People see it all the time and they just TUNE IT OUT. Make sure none of your words are overlooked.
8. Question whether the recipient is “serious.”
I don’t know what serious really means, but apparently people want to make sure that everyone who reads their emails is serious. Use phrases like “This email is for SERIOUS people only,” “I’m putting together a program just for SERIOUS people,” and “If you’re not SERIOUS, then maybe this isn’t for you.” WHY SO SERIOUS?
9. Call everything a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Some people say that a once in a lifetime opportunity only comes by once in a lifetime, but those people apparently haven’t heard of HYPERBOLE or LYING. Every opportunity needs to be more “once in a lifetime” than the one before it. Of course, it will also be complete crap compared to the next one.
10. Emphasize that it’s totally free, then tell them the cost.
“Free” is such a relative term. Are people in a capitalistic society free? Is there such a thing as a free lunch? Is freedom free? Who knows, but people like the word, so be sure to use it. Any costs can be written off as an “application fee” or “shipping and handling” without jeopardizing the “free” status.
11. Put no useful information in your email.
If you let the cat out of the bag, what will you talk about next time? Always keep people waiting. The purpose of every email is to build anticipation for something that will never come. If it never gets there, then they can never unsubscribe, right?
P.S. Always have a P.S. if you want to look professional. Never mind that a P.S. is meant to be used when you forget to include something in a handwritten letter (since it can’t be edited, unlike an email). This is another good chance to reiterate your main points. For example:
P.S. If you’re serious, you need to act on this once in a lifetime opportunity right now! I started just 2 days ago, and I’ve already made up to $5,000 (or more) in completely passive income!
November 18th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Hey Hunter. I guess I’m lucky; I don’t get very many of these types of emails. I use PS a lot in my emails though. It’s usually as an afterthought that would not flow naturally within the main content of the email.
Davina´s last blog post..Video — Preparation Inspires Self-Confidence
November 18th, 2008 at 5:44 am
I get a lot of spam mail and I’m being promised all kinds of guarantees. Just having to clear them takes up a lot of my time!
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..My Vision Board Tops Amazon’s Bestseller List?
November 18th, 2008 at 6:58 am
The excessive formatting is always my favorite. You feel like it’s a child’s birthday party all happening in your inbox. WEEEeeee!
I loved reading this! Excellent stuff, Hunter! Eric.
Eric Hamm´s last blog post..Minimize Your ‘Focus Reboots’
November 18th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Funny stuff! I am on a fair number of Internet Marketers’ lists and I see many of these things happening. The people who send messages that I actually read communicate in a conversational way and tell me a story. The rest just gets deleted in 5 seconds or less.
November 18th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Thanks for reminding me why I don’t do most of these things (I say most because PSes really work).
My goal with my email newsletter is to make it not like a newsletter at all. It’s just like as if you were getting normal emails from me: short and sweet.
Michael Martine – Remarkablogger´s last blog post..Never Pay Full Price for My Stuff Again
November 18th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Great post – now lets circulate this like mad so we can stop most of this ! But , I agree with Remarkablogger – I like the P.S. – it’s conversational and makes me think I’m “in the loop”
November 18th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Funny stuff. Really enjoy it.
November 18th, 2008 at 10:36 am
I especially enjoy email written in all caps and with lots of exclamation marks.
Vered – MomGrind´s last blog post..Ugliest Shoes EVER
November 18th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Hands up for sending email to everyone on the list. Uhh… not too often lately though.
Daniel Richard´s last blog post..3 Motion Typography Videos Based On The Dark Knight
November 18th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Funny! And so true, it really does tick people off. I liked @Eric’s “birthday party” description, too. I don’t get too many of these, compared to the number I get offering to enlarge a body part that I don’t even have.
Dot´s last blog post..True Commuter Stories
November 18th, 2008 at 11:42 am
HUNTER!
ACT NOW! THis is A ONCE in A LifeTIMe COMmeNTiNg OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!11111!!1!! YOU can EARN KAJILLIONS OF $$$$ _JuST_ bY ReADinG mY COMMeNt!
Just kidding
I loved this post. I don’t get too many of these e-mails (luckily!). The most I get is for prescription meds that I would never take. Like Viagra. Way to know your market, guys…
PS: I think you’re awesome
PPS: Yeah, the postscripts get pretty annoying…
November 18th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I recognized all of my top techniques!
So good to have my email strategies confirmed
November 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Hunter – it sounds like you’re getting a lot of the stuff I’ve been getting in my aol mail. This one guy is really pissing me off at the moment – he sends stuff with titles like “Why Are You So Angry?”. And I have to tell you – nothing makes me more angry and hit the delete button so hard I nearly bugger my keyboard.
November 18th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
So *you’re* the person that’s been looking in my inbox!
Fortunately, my spam filter catches most of the real spam, but it can’t catch the ones from “friends.” I’d like to send this post to every one of them!
Mike Nichols´s last blog post..Dizzy? It May Be an Anxiety Disorder!
November 18th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I love number 5 and 6! I have signed up for newsletters from blogs that I thought were small business or entrepreneurial oriented. It turns out to be MLM/pyramid scheme type blogs or websites and it shows from some of the spammy emails I’ve received. There is nothing that turns me off more than “GET RICH NOW!!!”
Carla´s last blog post..Barack Obama speaks about our addiction (to oil) on ‘60 Minutes’
November 18th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
@Carla – I actually own a domain called “GettingRichNow.com” really!
Daniel Richard´s last blog post..7 Anti-Worry Hacks During This Financial Crisis
November 19th, 2008 at 1:10 am
This post was inspired by an actual email I received from someone I barely remembered, using tons of CAPS and color to advertise something that’s pretty vague, but says it pays a minimum of $1,839 a month with no effort, and up to $80,000 a month for superstars. I don’t understand why people think this is the best they can do.
I agree with those of you who said PSes work, but I think it’s funny that so many marketing emails have them, as if they almost forgot to say something.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:04 am
The thing which pisses me most off are the email without subject. This doesn’t happen with marketing mails, but happens at work in my corporation daily.
ciao
alex
Big Blogger´s last blog post..How To Increase Your Newsletter Subscribers With a Delayed Popup
November 19th, 2008 at 6:58 am
@Hunter – Prolly the PS is the only part that captures the email reader’s attention after the quick scan through the long email. The last resort to get some words into the reader’s mind.
Daniel Richard´s last blog post..7 Anti-Worry Hacks During This Financial Crisis
November 19th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
There’s no better way to let people know that you’re broke and lazy than to embrace the tactics in this list. There’s also no better way to get your email address marked as “spam”.
Kathy @ Virtual Impax´s last blog post..Steps to Starting a Small Business: #6 Setting Your Rates
November 19th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
You should also emphasize in your e-mail how your server crashed because there were so many people trying to access your site after your last e-mail; oh, and make people feel exclusive (I’m only sending this out to my VIP list). Very entertaining read Hunter
November 21st, 2008 at 3:02 am
[...] I’ve been on a number of different email newsletters, and I’ve seen firsthand what annoys me as a subscriber. So before I had a newsletter of my own, I wanted to come up with a better way of doing it. I definitely didn’t want to piss people off with my emails. [...]