The Abraham Simpson Guide To Being Miserable
August 24th, 2008
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Image from The Simpsons
Abraham Simpson, also known as “Grampa,” is well known to fans of The Simpsons around the world. One of the leading experts on misery, he can teach us much about how to live more miserable lives. Here are some of his most important lessons.
1. Don’t take any crap from inanimate objects.
Being inanimate is just another excuse for being lazy, and we have to show these objects who’s boss. Abraham’s crowning achievement was being featured in the newspaper for yelling at a fluffy white cloud. In his day, clouds respected their elders. Nowadays, they’re floating around like they own the place. Don’t let them.
2. Be a lousy father.
Your kids probably won’t take care of you in your golden years, so why not get revenge in advance? Your children are the future…unless you stop them.
When his son Homer was six years old, Abraham told him, “Homer, you’re dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!”
When Homer grew up, one day he realized that his parents never told him his middle name. When he asked what it was, Abraham said, “How should I know? It was your mother’s job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.”
3. Write letters to complain about anything that isn’t exactly how you like it.
Abraham wrote a letter to the president, saying “Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.” While he didn’t specify which ones should be cut in the letter, on another occasion he said, “I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah.”
He also wrote a letter to complain about the commercials on TV, saying, “Dear advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.”
While many people would let these things slide, Abraham knows that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.
4. Make enemies with animals.
While humans deserve most of your wrath, animals aren’t automatically exempt. Every one of them is a potential threat, and you can never let your guard down.
Abraham once underestimated a turtle, who stole his false teeth and ran off. Adding insult to injury, when he finally caught up, the turtle bit him with his own teeth.
When a gorilla threatened to move in on his girlfriend, Abraham vowed to give him the frowning of a lifetime.
He was looking for a new pet at the retirement home, after they “accidentally killed that smart mouth bird.” Sure, “accidentally.”
5. Remain stuck in the past. Preferably, a past that never actually happened.
Abraham is very much stuck in a past that he created with his imagination, as well as what he was able to piece together from sugar packets. The past is much more important than the present, because you can make it whatever you want it to be, as long as you don’t get caught.
He claims to have invented the toilet, turned cats and dogs against each other, canceled Star Trek, lived in the head of the Statue of Liberty, been spanked by Grover Cleveland on two non-consecutive occasions, nearly killed Hitler with a javelin in the 1936 Olympics, invented kissing as a new way of spreading germs in World War I, and died in World War II.
Go ahead, try to prove him wrong (well, maybe we can prove he didn’t die in World War II since he’s alive today). Anything that’s not verifiably false is true enough. Don’t pay any attention to the present, because soon enough it becomes the past, and then you can change it to your liking.
This post is a sample entry for my “How To Be Miserable” Contest, sponsored by life coach Tim Brownson. Enter for your chance to win a book or a coaching session!
August 24th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
This is brilliant. I think you should win your own contest.
Vereds last blog post..Aging: May I Please Get Off This Path Now?
August 25th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Hi Hunter,
What a great idea for a contest. Plus you have fabulous prizes.
Is this your entry, or just a sample? And, can a person enter more than once? There may me some very miserable people out there who have a lot to say.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..A.S.K. – Liz Strauss – How Do You Inspire Your Readers To Join Your Community
August 25th, 2008 at 4:15 am
Hunter – That is excellent. I hope you win the competition. I don’t watch tv much but this guy sounds worse than my dad. I love how he wrote to the President to ask him to get rid of three states.
August 25th, 2008 at 5:39 am
FUNNY!!
I love this part- Remain stuck in the past. Preferably, a past that never actually happened!!!!
August 25th, 2008 at 8:42 am
To clarify, I was just doing this to have some fun, to give people an example of how to enter, and hopefully to encourage people to participate. I’m not actually entering my own contest–that would be a bit unfair, seeing as how I’m a judge!
As for entering more than once, I guess that’s OK. We’ll see how miserable people really are.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Great Job! You are our miserable hero Hunter! Keep up the good(?) worK!
I am not competing, but I could add just one –
Become old and monitor the timing and perhaps omission of every bowel movement!
Harmonys last blog post..Whistle While You Work
August 25th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Man that is sooo funny. It’s better than mine!
The scene when the turtle steals his teeth is one of my favorite Simpsons scenes of all time. Classic stuff.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
You wrote a brilliant post!! I like point 5 too. You sure cracked me up with “The past is much more important than the present, because you can make it whatever you want it to be, as long as you don’t get caught.”
August 25th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I’ve heard of people suggesting that they get rid of certain letters of the alphabet (apparently the letter “k” is pretty much useless) but I’d never heard of people suggesting that they get rid of states. This was funny
Marelisas last blog post..Stress Management: 25 Ways to Relieve Stress
August 26th, 2008 at 7:51 am
@ Vered, well, it’s a good way to entertain myself, asking a question and then answering it!
@ Barbara, yeah, these are great prizes. I’m really glad Tim was willing to offer them. I replied to the rest of your comment above.
@ Cath, uh-oh, is your dad an interesting character?
@ Dr. Cason, being stuck in a false past is really his trademark. You can never believe anything he says, and that affects his relationships, thereby making him miserable.
@ Harmony, ewwwwww!
@ Tim, I hope you’re kidding–I’m still laughing about storming the beaches of Normandy by yourself before the Allies got there.
@ Evelyn, that’s a rule that many politicians seem to live by as well!
@ Marelisa, that’s interesting about k. Although k is rare, I’d be more inclined to get rid of c, which acts as a double agent. K is always hard, s is always soft, but c just causes trouble. Of course, with c out of the picture, we’d have korn, kake, sirkus, etc (or I guess ets). But wait, how would we spell “children?” This will be a tzhallenge.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Hey, I got one. What about complaining about the snow and cold weather in Chicago during the Winter Season. I hear this a lot from miserable people who live in Chicago.
Oh another one, b**ch about the traffic during rush hour.
Really funny stuff man.
Chriss last blog post..The Perfect Storm, Part 4
August 30th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
@ Chris, do these people realize there are places in the world without cold weather?
Actually though, they say that when you move to a place with nice weather, you adapt to it, and its effect on your mood wears off. And complaining about traffic, yeah, that’s many people’s favorite method of being miserable!
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:26 am
hey, no fair picking on midwesteners….yes we realize there are places without cold weather and if you will pay us we will be HAPPY to leave our chattering bones behind!
Actually, the cold weather makes us enjoy the other seasons even more and not take them for granted. A nice day in the midwest is a reason for a PARTY!!
Hunter,
That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long long time. You should have had a spew alert with that post!
Wendi Kellys last blog post..Changing Colors
September 4th, 2008 at 1:02 am
@ Wendi, a couple days after I moved to New Jersey, my car door lock froze and I couldn’t put the key in–I had to go in the passenger side. Someone said “Welcome to New Jersey!” So I can sympathize with people who have to deal with cold weather. I think it’s nice to have four distinct seasons.
Sorry about no spew alert (didn’t really think of that), but I’m really glad you liked it!
October 1st, 2008 at 2:08 am
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February 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I’ve been reading about the issue with the simpsons and ‘bart’ promoting scientology. Was checking to see if anyone else had any comments on the ‘issue’. I don’t much like it myself, but also do not care to judge.
February 16th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@ Fanatic, I never heard about that, but I looked it up, and you’re right – Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, gave $10 million to scientology in 2007. Crazy!
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