The Introverts Strike Back
July 3rd, 2008
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Introvert Johnny Carson: He hosted The Tonight Show for 30 years.
Lately I’ve been reading a lot of posts that almost seem to describe introversion as a disease, and which purport to teach you how to be more extraverted to have a better life. It’s time we all got on the same page about what introversion is. Many people think it’s something like this:
introvert + social skills = extravert
This implies that extraverts are better than introverts, because the difference is simply that they have social skills in addition to everything that introverts have. In reality, it works like this:
introvert = someone who gets their energy from themselves
extravert = someone who gets their energy from others
This is the definition used by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and neither type is better. Extraverts are certainly the majority with 70% of the world’s population, but the world needs all kinds of people.
Introvert Meryl Streep: 14 Academy Award nominations, more than any other actor or actress.
While it’s certainly true that poor socials skills are more likely to be seen in introverts, stereotyping introverts as social outcasts is no more accurate than stereotyping extraverts as dumb jocks. While introverts have their challenges (as all people do), they also have their strengths (as all people do), such as independence, focus, interest in concepts and ideas, and thinking before speaking.
Introvert Thomas Edison: He held 1,093 patents in the U.S. alone.
In fact, when you look at successful introverts, you see that in most cases they succeeded not in spite of their introversion, but because of it. I doubt Thomas Edison would have invented so much if he had preferred bar hopping to being alone with his thoughts.
Introvert Jerry Seinfeld: He entertained millions with a show about nothing.
The Ascending Reticular Activating System
When I was in college in the mid-90s, in one psychology class we heard about a theory concerning the Ascending Reticular Activating System (ARAS). The theory claimed that the ARAS basically worked as a pipe in the brain stem, controlling the influx of information. If a person’s ARAS was wide open, they would get plenty of stimulation just from reading a book, and they’d become an introvert. If a person’s ARAS was relatively closed off and didn’t allow much through, they would need to seek out extra stimulation, and they’d become an extravert.
Introvert Tiger Woods: The world’s #1 golfer and the highest-paid athlete in 2007.
Whether this particular theory turned out to be true or not, I found that it worked well as a metaphor. As an extreme introvert, I find that I’m never bored to be alone, and I almost never need to seek out social situations. When meeting a large number of people, or being with people for too long, I experience sensory overload, and I feel suffocated.
Introvert Socrates: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
This is not to say that I never want to be with people, or that I’m never energized by conversations. As with anyone else, some of my best experiences have been with other people. I just don’t require much socialization to thrive, because I have too much fun by myself.
Introvert Warren Buffett: The richest person in the world.
“How to be more extraverted”
When I see a post about “how to be more extraverted,” I think it makes about as much sense as “how to be more left-handed” or “how to be more Chinese.” Introversion is a natural condition, not something that’s determined by our behavior. If you want to talk about how to improve your social skills, and suggest that people should introduce themselves to strangers or attend group functions, fine, but don’t think that’s going to make you an extravert. If hosting The Tonight Show for 30 years didn’t make Johnny Carson an extravert, I doubt some basic socialization will do it for you.
Introvert James Dean: He played by nobody’s rules but his own.
Furthermore, if you’re an introvert, why would you want to be an extravert? Why would you want to switch from being energized by yourself to being energized by other people? Let me try to explain why introversion makes perfect sense to me. Now remember that I’m an extreme introvert, so I can’t speak for all my people.
- I don’t see the need for untargeted socialization. Just because someone is alive isn’t enough of a reason for me to want to spend time with them. A great example of someone I don’t want to spend time with is this guy I work with. He follows me around like a puppy that needs constant attention. He comes into my cube when I’m up against a deadline, bounces a rubber ball off my cubicle walls, plays with everything on my desk, and erases my whiteboard to write his own stuff. I feel like I’m babysitting a 5-year-old. Today he came in, picked up my scissors, and cut up a Post-it note that I had written a password on. I’m supposed to be energized by this numbnuts?
Introvert James Bond: He could tell you, but then he’d have to kill you.
- I usually like to have lunch by myself. I spend my work day interacting with other people, so I think of lunch as a time to get away, relax, think, and strategize. When a coworker wants to have lunch with me, I have to wonder why they want me to spend my free time with them, seeing as how I’m already spending 40 hours a week with them. And I find it rude for someone to just declare that they’re going to have lunch with me twice a week, as one person did.
Introvert Darth Vader: He finds your lack of faith in introversion disturbing.
- People need boundaries. In yet another coworker example, one day I met a new employee and found out that we live near each other. She then asked that since she couldn’t afford a car yet, would I mind driving her to and from work every day until further notice? Are you out of your mind? I just met you, I have no idea if I even like you, and you’re going to jump straight to the chauffeur stage? Are you sure you don’t want to move in with me, or make me a mix tape?
Introvert Mahatma Gandhi: He pioneered nonviolent resistance and led India to independence.
- People aren’t always a good match in every respect. I recently spent some time with a highly extraverted friend of mine, who had borrowed her friend’s Nintendo Wii. We had a great time playing Wii tennis together, but after she left, she was a little upset that I continued playing without her, and preferred to play against the computer. It’s nothing against her, but she wasn’t very good, and the computer automatically increased its difficulty every time you won. She enjoys playing with another human being even though she doesn’t like the game itself. But I enjoy playing the game against a worthy opponent, regardless of whether it happens to be a human.
Introvert Mister Fred Rogers: He received a Lifetime Achievement Award for Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, the longest-running show on PBS.
- I don’t like mindless chitchat. Recently I was working on something and had reached a state of flow, when a friend called me and started going on and on about lawn furniture. I tried to be patient but eventually had to ask if that was the only reason they were calling. It was nothing against them, but I was eager to get back to what I was doing. (By the way, this is an area where extraverts can easily have poor social skills–talking but not listening.) I’m trying to train my extravert friends to say their reason for calling up front. If they need something, ask for it. If they want to chitchat, ask if it’s a good time. I sometimes enjoy chitchat, but it would have to be during a slow time, or with someone I haven’t seen in a long time.
Introvert Albert Einstein: In his own little world he learned much about ours, becoming Time magazine’s “Person of the Century” in 1999.
- I don’t like people asking how my day was. The reason is just because I’m already perfectly aware of how my day was, so talking about it doesn’t give me anything new. If you want to talk, let’s talk about something that’s fun for both of us.
Introvert Jack Bauer: If you think introverts are pushovers, you don’t know Jack.
- I don’t like being asked about my weekend plans. When someone asks “what are you doing this weekend,” I know that what they want is an answer that will impress an extravert. But I know they’ll find it boring that I’m going to watch a movie and work on my ebook, just like I’ll find it boring that they’re going to a bar. I’ve started saying that I’m going to spend the weekend on mafia-related work. It’s just easier that way.
Introvert Steven Spielberg: Three-time Academy Award winner, and the highest grossing filmmaker of all time.
I’m not completely without social skills. I introduce myself to new people, I communicate with coworkers in person when everyone else is sending emails, I’m pretty good at listening and sensing the other person’s mood, I know how to tell jokes, I understand comic timing, etc. Would I like to improve my social skills to the level typical of a super extravert? Sure, and if there were a pill I could take that would boost my social skills without weakening my powers of introversion, I’d take it. But I’m not going to take too much time away from things I already enjoy and things I’m already good at, in order to make tiny improvements in doing things I enjoy less that I’ll never be that good at.
Introvert Martin Luther King, Jr.: He had a dream.
I do think everyone should have some basic social skills. You’ll find it helpful, and it’s usually not too hard to develop some basic social competence. If you happen to suffer from shyness, you should check out 20 Ways to Attack Shyness by Tina Su and Amanda Linehan. But let’s not get confused here. Shyness is a problem, but introversion is not. You can be painfully shy, but you can’t be painfully introverted any more than you can be painfully left-handed.
Can an introvert change into an extravert?
According to Myers and Briggs, someone’s preference for introversion or extraversion doesn’t change. I’m open to the possibility that it can change, but it certainly doesn’t happen as often as some people claim.
One example I’ve often heard is Lou Ferrigno, best known for playing The Incredible Hulk on TV in the 70s and 80s. He claims that bodybuilding took him from introvert to extravert. Since I don’t know much about him I can only guess, but I think it’s very likely that either (1) bodybuilding helped him become more social and he simply confused this with being an extravert, or (2) he was always an extravert, but it was masked by the extreme shyness he developed as a result of losing 80% of his hearing at the age of 3.
When I read posts where people say they joined some group activities and now they’re an extravert, I think “No you’re not!” They might be more comfortable in social situations, they might have good public speaking skills, they might be fun at parties, but that doesn’t make them an extravert. It’s all about where their energy comes from. Someone might be energized from a conversation, but are they really energized by the other person, or are they energized by discussing their ideas? I find it hilarious when someone writes a post about how to be an extravert, and then doesn’t respond to comments. That’s a clear sign of both introversion and poor social skills!
I am an introvert, like my father before me. This is who I am, and I would never want to change it. Are you an introvert too? If so, be proud.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:24 am
Yes! I am an introvert. While I can’t say that I am proud to be one, I certainly don’t feel that I need to apologize for my need to spend time alone. I love my friends and I enjoy social interaction - but when I need to recharge, I need to be alone.
Thank you Hunter!
vereds last blog post..Oops. I Accidentally Got Involved In a Blogging War
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:29 am
Are there a definition who gets their energy from both inside and outside world? I mean being self motivated is cool (introvert?) but when you constantly hit the external wall no matter how self motivated you are it will kill you. On other hand If you suck the energy from the external world but do not add anything from inside like your values (extravert?) you’ll soon be denied and left alone without your source of energy - the external world.
I am inextrovert .
Alik | PracticeThis.coms last blog post..Convert Your Blog’s RSS Feed Into PDF
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:37 am
Ok - I’m going to come out to the whole world now:
I’M AN INTROVERT, AND I’M PROUD OF IT!!
Well - actually, I’m not. I’m somewhere in between intro and extra. But coming out as an introvert with a ‘hurra!’ was what I felt impelled to do after reading your article. Because, according to you, people like me - who not only enjoy quiet creative times, but also love showing off skimpy dresses on the dancefloor - have such great problems. They
# suck energy from everyone around them
# enjoy mindless chit-chat
# have cotton wool between their ears
# are nausiatingly social.
Maybe that’s true. But sometimes, declaring oneself an introvert means being unwilling to change boorish behaviour.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:46 am
Hi Hunter,
I’m proud to be an introvert. As I read your post, and what happens at work, I was nodding my head. Like you, I love my alone time. Some people (extroverts) don’t understand it, but that’s their problem,not mine.
My husband is also an introvert. He hates when people go on and on and on with a story. Now he’ll say, “Just give me the short version”.
BTW: You’ll enjoy my Mini Meme for this week. Hehe!
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..MMM - Can She Talk?
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:03 am
Proud to be an introvert, Hunter.
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:17 am
Hunter ~
In my early years, I was introvert but in college my roommate was extrovert and people magnet. After staying few months with him, I realized that I needed a balance. I am proud to say that I am neither intro nor extrovert. Either on extreme is not good IMHO.
Shilpan
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:37 am
Hi Hunter, GREAT post! Funny I am a bit of both. Put me in a situation with new people and I tend to “watch” and be inside myself and take great comfort in that. Get me in a crowd of people I have known a while and I let loose! I don’t think either is “wrong” or that introverts need to be converted. I am MUCH happier 99% of the time by myself or with my immediate family rather than seeking out others. But there are those times when it feels good to talk and be with a close friend(s). Love the post and pictures and you make great points…. the most important thing is being comfortable being who you are and not listening to the people that say “you need to change”…. What a loud world it would be if everyone were extroverts!
Thanks for the James Dean picture by the way - he’s always been my favorite introvert! Gratefully, Jenny
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:51 am
I used to be an introvert, though I’m pretty much more vocal now than before.
Haha. Great post!
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:27 am
Nicely done, Hunter!
Thank you for your efforts and all of the hard work that you obviously put into this post. I really enjoyed it.:)
marks last blog post..Don’t Let Anybody Tell You That You Can’t
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:09 am
Fantastic! So many great points here! I think the Johnny Carson example does a great job of putting the “introversion can be fixed by being more social” argument to rest.
Both personality types have strengths as well as fluctuations. I appreciated that you were able to talk about introversion without slamming extroverts. (I’d actually love to see an extrovert create an article on building social skills for extroverts.) Like you said, there’s nothing wrong with either preference; they’re just different.
You clearly took some time with this, and it shows! So many great introverts that have changed the world both by spending time with themselves and also by dedicating their lives to others. (Well, and Darth Vadar, which was the “Must Stumble Now” moment for me…)
I can have moments where I lean toward extroversion (yesterday I was way energized after a community presentation), but I’m never going to not be an introvert overall and I don’t have a single problem with that. Thanks for fighting the good fight!
Saras last blog post..Redefining the American Dream
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:29 am
Hi Hunter, we shared the same personality. And I loved the way you said what is not you. it’s a negative assertion, something that everyone has to learn, accept who we are and admit that it is ok.
It’s important that people think introversion is ok, but I think it’s also equally important for people not to stay in their comfort zone with an excuse of their introversion.
Instead of balancing introversion and extroversion, it does help if you balance of enjoying who you are and striving for your dream and goal. You can be an introvert while growing your social skills as well.
And the article from Tina is really a great article.
Thanks for this article.
Cheers for introverts! =)
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
How did you get into my head like that!!! I couldn’t have said it better myself (which is, I suppose, why I didn’t…) I can SO relate to everything you said. I should have been nominated for an Oscar for my “extravert” performance at work. I can happily go for days upon days without speaking to another soul. The ARAS theory is fascinating - mine must be abnormally large because I could stare at a wall and be plenty stimulated. The thought of car-pooling, even with someone I like, would give me the willies. When people complain about traffic, I tell them I don’t understand because I RELISH being alone in my car with NPR on the radio. They look at me like I’m nuts. I’m going to send them ALL a link to this post!!
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I joke that I suffer from “the Myers-Briggs INFP.”
Y’know, an extrovert wouldn’t know he’s an extrovert but since an introvert is more thoughtful, she can learn (among other things about herself) her disposition, and then Decide whether or not to adjust behavior… (although like you said, cannot change nature).
In my case, I am striving to increase ‘external evidence/stimuli.’
btw: the correct spelling is “introvert.” (I checked the external source ‘Merriam Webster’)
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I guess a lot of people confuse being an introvert with being shy. These same people seem to think that introverts wish they could be extroverts but can’t muster up the courage. Introverts are simply people who get their energy from being alone and feel drained when they have to spend too much time around other people. You know what’s strange? Most experts say that introverts are in the minority, but apparently there are a lot of people who consider themselves to be introverts. I love the use of the transformation into the incredible hulk to show someone turning from an introvert into an extrovert.
Marelisas last blog post..How to Become a Renaissance Man/Woman
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Bravo Hunter! There is so much in your post that I like and agree with that I don’t know where to start - I can relate to so much of it.
I, too, am a proud introvert who really likes to go out with my friends and meet other people. I also like going home afterwards and being on my own. As for social skills, I believe they’re SKILLS, like writing or reading, and there are techniques to learn them. I had to learn social skills but it wasn’t because I’m an introvert that they were lacking. I simply wasn’t taught.
If you’re interested in another good article on this topic, Jonathan Rauch wrote “Caring for Your Introvert” at http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch?ca=W%2BqBlM3STJ31i4PI8QRNEgcAHfaz2pyfBwUD1fGWfy4%3D/.
Thanks for the great post!
Best,
Laurie
Laurie | expressyourselftosuccess.coms last blog post..The Art of Bad Listening
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
“I don’t see the need for untargeted socialization”…. I am so chuckling with you on this one.
Is there a brain difference other than this ARAS?
Janice Cartiers last blog post..A Goal Setting Template- Part 4
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
@ Vered, we certainly want you to be fully charged, so do what you need to do. When I start off with a full battery, it lets me not only be with people longer, but it lets me be more fun to them.
@ Alik, the introvert/extravert scale is a continuum, so you can be more or less to one side. According to Myers-Briggs though, you have to pick one that’s dominant, though it might be only 51%. I know someone who can’t decide if she’s an introvert or extravert. I think she’s an extravert, but I can see why she’s not ready to declare herself one.
@ Mary, Alik is another example of someone in between. I agree that both sides have their challenges, as well as those in the middle. I’m glad you can embrace your introvert side, but you’d still be welcome here even if you were a raging extravert.
@ Barbara, I find it frustrating when people don’t understand that I love my alone time. I mean really, there are 2 billion of us…have they really never met an introvert before? I enjoyed your meme, and I’ll have to try the line “Just give me the short version!”
@ Robin, you go girl!
@ Shilpan, I’m glad you found a mix that works for you!
@ Jennifer, introverts tend to be very good loyal friends. It’s like once they decide that they want to let someone into their inner circle, then they can open up and enjoy being close. Glad you liked the James Dean picture. As I was coming up with the list, I thought “I should put a rebel in here, like a rebel without a cause…” And then it hit me!
@ Daniel, yeah, I’d never accuse you of not being vocal!
@ Mark, thank you, and yes, it was a lot of work. At 2 in the morning I was thinking “OK, I _really_ need to get to sleep soon!” But the introverts needed a post to support them!
@ Sara, ever since I heard that Johnny Carson was an introvert, he’s been at the top of my list of people to use in a “how to be more extraverted” debate. He’s just a fantastic example of someone thriving outside their element.
I was originally considering slamming extraverts by setting up an introvert against an extravert in each category, like U.S. presidents: introvert Abraham Lincoln vs. extravert George W. Bush. In the end, I decided it would be more effective as a pro-introvert but not anti-extravert piece.
You like Darth Vader, huh?
@ Robert, that’s a good point. No one should use any label as an excuse to stop them from doing something they want to do. The comfort zone can always be stretched!
@ Annie, I nominate you for “Best Introvert Actress in an Extravert Role!” I like being alone in my car too, but I would rather have the traffic go away and have more time to be alone outside of my car!
@ Matt, I’m not sure I understand your comment about the spelling of introvert, since that’s how I was already spelling it. Did you mean to say it’s spelled “extrovert?” m-w.com lists both extrovert and extravert, but I use extravert because that’s what Myers-Briggs uses. (Etymology: modification of German extravertiert, from Latin extra- + vertere)
That’s a very interesting point–an introvert is more self-aware, so they’re better able to adjust their behavior.
@ Marelisa, I find it interesting that there’s so much confusion about introverts, considering that there are 2 billion of us. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk much about it! I liked that Hulk image and metaphor, but ironically, the Hulk is an introvert!
@ Laurie, a lot of people think that social skills are indeed learned, and extroverts learn them because they spend so much time practicing them. I’ll check out that article, thanks!
@ Janice, I’m not aware of any other brain differences besides the ARAS. And this was just a theory I heard in the mid-90s, so I don’t know what new information has been produced by research. They tested the ARAS theory by seeing if introverts have a stronger reaction to lemon juice (they do), but there were also some holes in the theory. You might check with Marelisa (2 comments above you), since she seems to read up on so much research.
July 4th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Hi Hunter - I love this post. It really sticks two fingers up at all those articles that encourage you to be more of an extrovert.
I do love seeing people and talking - but just not all the time. I far prefer working alone and I find it easy to motivate myself. And I think that’s a huge bonus for many introverts - they don’t need other people around to get things done.
July 4th, 2008 at 8:45 am
I really think that there is nothing wrong being an introvert; maybe it’s because I’m one…LOL!! You are right to point out that people tend to be drawn to extroverts. Introverts are often known to be less self assured and prefer to keep to themselves. This perception is not necessarily true.
At heart, I would say that I’m an introvert with social skills. I can interact if I want to. As you’ve also said “I just don’t require much socialization to thrive, because I have too much fun by myself.” I also do not enjoy mindless chatter; I’ve got more important things to do.
Maybe that’s why you and I “hang out” so well on the web
Evelyn
July 4th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Hi Hunter,
I love psychology and I really like your analysis of these concepts. I have never heard of the ARAS. I will definitely check that out. I think mine is wide open.
I usually test out on an extrovert scale, but I don’t fit this category all the time. For instance, I like social stimulation, but people do wear me out and I need a lot of time alone to recharge my batteries. It’s almost like people drain my batteries.
I also enjoy time by myself because I can easily entertain myself with my imagination.
Sometimes I feel like an oxymoron.
The problem with the US is that we place way too much emphasis on extroversion to the detriment of introversion. Most of our social systems are geared towards extroverts.
Ellen Wilsons last blog post..Getting Rid of Junk and Adding Some
July 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
@ Cath, well, I’d be content to just stick one finger up! I wonder if extraverts ever call people up and say “I want to start working. Can you motivate me?”
@ Evelyn, I think it’s very accurate to call you an introvert with social skills. The web is great for people like us, because we can interact with who we want, when we want.
@ Ellen, some people are so split on the introvert/extravert scale that they can’t decide what they are. From your description above, I’m having a really hard time figuring out what side you fall on. The people in the middle have a good deal in that they can enjoy both kinds of situations, but they can also have a hard time deciding where they belong.
We certainly have a lot of extraversion bias in this country, but I think there’s even more in some other countries. For example, in some cultures, people live with their parents until they get married. But in the U.S., it’s perfectly OK to live by yourself, and in fact people will think it’s strange if you live with your parents for too long.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Some of the comments suggest a few people haven’t really read the post. Intro or extro has nothing to do with the quality of someones social skills. Even if you haven’t read the post, the Carson and Seinfeld photos should be enough to suggest this. Both would be the life of any party, even if the party was all extroverts. They just wouldn’t be the life of every party that week, as they would only go to 1 party in 10.
By the way, great post Hunter. I really enjoy it when someone puts conventional wisdom on it’s head. Especially, when it applies directly to me…an introvert.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
there are further confusions to undo.
when you talk about energy you mean creativity. everyone needs a certain kind of input to produce the sort of output that he can shape in the most skillfull way. this defines types in generall, introverts and extroverts in particular.
the mbti talk deffinition of intro/extroversion ist just a little stupid.
when an introverted person is alone, he may be buisy working out input, eg processing emotions or creating theories/visions, he is not in his input phase. when he is in his input phase, he is not alone whith himself, but alone with a book, a computer or even a close friend etc.
as for true energy: it is not something you get out of a socket. it is just there, it raises as needed, it corresponds to the bandwidth of your brains processing of date, and it is the same for everyone, unless someone blocks more of it, than someone else. it is blocked by using a way of defining boundaries, that requires you brain to indulge in loops of tense repetitions. while the conscious data processing is reduces likewise to other tense narrow loops.
it makes no difference, wheter you block the experience of observing states of other people which naturally resonate with you, unless you lack all sensitivity, or wheter you block the experience of your own selfreferring states. they are all in your head, in the end. both extroverted and introverted people block them, that is, a verry personalized set of them.
extroverteds block just as much overall, as introverteds, they do it in a technically slightly different way. extoverted folks get more superficially as they block more, introverteds get more apathic or rejecting. that may be a simplified way of describing it, but its not so important to make the point anyway.
still talking about true energy: an introverted person does not get less stimulated by company, but more likely overstimulated, as he does not lack social competence, but more specifically social autimatism, that is forementioned superficially, handling social input data without closely analysing it and thus eventually splitting it up into narrow trance loops off repression and fixation.
if people dont block out specific states, they are energetic like almost infinitly, and introverted people wont need to be alone and compulsively “authentic” (as in “complicated”) and extroverted people dont need to be superficial and totally pretentious any more. introverted deepak chopra has died this little death of personalised blocking and is not only nonstop active among people, but has to sleep no more than like 4 hours, so he says.
if introverted people want to be extroverted, my guess is, that most of them want to be energetic. want to stop disconecting them from a lot of their own states of experience and resonance by means of neurotic barriers. want to be enlightened, but are to much stuck in a materialist worldview, to use another concept or term than extroversion.
knowingly that common extroverteds are not that, which i want to become, i often said and say that i want to be extroverted.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I thoroughly enjoyed the article. Thanks for posting it.
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July 7th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
The thing I really like about the article is the way it spells out the fact that introversion/extroversion is spelled out as types, not some kind of disease. And of course it’s great that it points out all of these accomplished introverts.
But, as an extrovert, I don’t like things that introverts do either. Why should extroverts have to do what introverts want? On the flip side, why should introverts have to do what extroverts want? To me, in a way, it’s a sad development of humankind. We have about half the population that wants to interact a lot, and half the population that wants to interact a lot less, and all the other things. I’m sure there’s a purpose for that somewhere. As an extrovert, I’ve noticed that it’s difficult for me to become friends with introverts. I have introvert friends that I have been friends with for years and years, and I still don’t feel connected to them. There is always this reserve. That’s cool, but we can never be as close as some of my other friends, just from experience, and I don’t even know what this supposed separateness even is, I just feel it.
But from my perspective, the separateness is palatable. This might be what people are reacting to as well? Aloofness. Will introverts ever get what they want? I know that I won’t as an extrovert. People who want to be aloof from me don’t like me. How would I be able to tell any different? Actually, people who are aloof do not like me. That’s the credible interpretation in our society. An introvert that has had to much at a party might look at an extrovert asking one too many questions and say, “yeah, right, whatever,” out of frustration, but that frustration is visible. It might just be an indication of “battery re-charge needed” but it looks a lot like an unhappy person. So, in society we can never escape the effect of ourselves on those around us to various degrees.
If introverts wish to maintain their introversion, they themselves have to set the boundaries “out in” society. Society won’t do this. I’d be careful at assuming what “extroverts want from you” as well. I’ve found that introverts (but definitely not limited to! Ext. are just as good) are good at assuming what other people want. When I ask someone what they are doing for the weekend, “reading a book and going to a movie” is just fine. I ask people things because I care, on some level, not because it’s a social construct or something else. I ask, because I’m trying to connect with another human. Then, what I get is aloofness. Which says, “get away from me.”
I understand now, in life, that it’s not personal. But I wonder if extroverts don’t like introversion to some degree because it seems mean and distant to them? Even though, in order to get what they want, introverts have to tell people what they want, especially extroverts. They will never get it unless told. Be as proud as you want, but don’t expect the extrovert world to welcome aloofness with open arms.
Ken
July 7th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
@ Chad, you’re absolutely right that social skills have nothing to do with which way you vert by definition. Of course, on average extraverts will tend to have better social skills, but that’s not what makes them extraverts. Introverts are typically better at certain things too, but that’s not what makes them introverts.
As an introvert, Jerry Seinfeld may naturally prefer being alone most of the time, but because of his love of / talent for comedy, he developed his social skills to a level far beyond most extraverts. All certified Myers-Briggs practitioners are very careful to say that your type reflects your preferences, not your abilities.
@ Avani, I’m really glad you liked it!
July 9th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I find it helpful to keep in mind being an introvert or extrovert isn’t a binary thing. Everyone is both, but the MBTI theory is that we have a natural orientation toward one or another. We actually have to operate both ways, but we tend to be better at one than another. So, over time, as an extrovert I become better at handling things that require me to draw from or understand my internal world. You might say that naturally I attend one better than another, but I have to live in both ‘worlds.’
So, as an extrovert married to an introvert, my wonderful wife has taught me better and better how to connect with my interior life, attend and nurture it. And I hope there are strengths that my extroversion brings to her life and relationships.
And thanks for the clarity about the MBTI type. Though Myers-Briggs and Jungian types don’t explain everything, they do give a helpful (if not comprehensive) view.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
@ Jadey, I think being married to someone of the opposite type can be very helpful. While in some cases it could cause problems, you two are clearly getting along well. And that means you can help each other enjoy the benefits of the other type. You’re right, we do have to operate both ways, even if we prefer one over the other.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:35 am
This has got me thinking because I would definitely have said I am an extrovert and one who tends to get along with most people. I like people and I need to connect with others, but at the same time I need definite alone time and am happy muddling along in my headspace for hours, sometimes even days.
So, maybe I’m a well balanced extrovert?! I don’t do mindless chitchat unless I have to for some reason, but I am fascinated by people and love to hear their stories. People can teach you so much about the world and I love to exchange ideas. But then the writer and dreamer in me also likes to hibernate and hole up with the computer or my notebook.
Great article.
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWERs last blog post..It’s official: Australians are Fat and Badly Dressed
July 11th, 2008 at 10:43 am
[...] help you bridge the gap between the life you have and the life you want.” His recent post The Introverts Strike Back had me rolling on the [...]
July 11th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
@ Kelly, I’ve been hearing from a number of people who seem to be somewhere in the middle. I guess you’re another one of them, but maybe a bit more on the extravert side.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:53 am
A fun post, thanks for the read.
Any introverts who are tired of being told they should change to survive and thrive in an extroverted society should check out “Party of One: the Loner’s Manifesto.” It highlights a lot of what introverts have been responsible for in the world and will make you realize you’re not alone (even if you prefer it that way a lot of the time! :P)
July 15th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
@ Lindsay, thanks for the tip. It sounds good from the title! If we took away everything that introverts have been responsible for, what would be left?
July 31st, 2008 at 6:55 am
Thank you! I love this. I often have to explain to people that, yes, I really am an introvert, even though I’ve spent the last year constantly networking in my business. The difference for me is, it’s been freaking exhausting! I definitely NEED my time alone, and often prefer just hanging out along than doing anything else. I remember back in my single life many a Friday nite spent HAPPILY alone, whereas some of my other girlfriends would just die if they didn’t have a date. I love being an introvert because I can be a deep thinker, yet act like an extrovert when I need to. Then come back and take a nap.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:15 pm
@ Christie, that’s interesting that you have to explain to people that you’re an introvert. Do you have a badge to prove it to them?
That’s good that you can flip on the extravert switch when you need to, but like you said, it can be exhausting to do that for too long!
July 31st, 2008 at 11:34 pm
I’ve always found it strange that many people can’t understand that being around other persons is exhausting for introverts, rather than invigorating, as it is for extroverts. I love being alone, therefore, I’m perceived as weird by many people. Thanks for this interesting post!
Teacherwriters last blog post..Reading: How Nancy Drew Saved My Life
August 1st, 2008 at 9:15 pm
@ Teacherwriter, I know, you’d think that there would be a little more awareness and understanding by now. Introversion is not a new thing! But don’t worry, I know you’re not weird!
August 5th, 2008 at 5:30 am
[...] read about how to “cure” introversion. In response to these articles, I wrote The Introverts Strike Back, in which I argued that (1) introverts can’t become extraverts, and (2) they shouldn’t [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 8:28 am
[...] The Introverts Strike Back, this new post is pretty evenly balanced between both types, pointing out ways we can all cater to [...]
August 6th, 2008 at 1:27 am
[...] other big part of it, however, is the idea that there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. What a gem that little concept is. It’s not that I don’t like you, or don’t want [...]
August 6th, 2008 at 2:10 am
I found it ironic that the following Google ad appeared under this article:
Introvert = Loser
Being Yourself is Not the Solution It’s the Problem. Learn to Change.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Well I can’t tell you whether Lou Ferrigno is an introvert or an extrovert, but I can tell you that he’s a supreme jerk. I worked with him at a convention several years ago. We had a handicapped person manning his autograph line. He demanded that the gentleman be removed from his line control position, because he didn’t want a freak like that scaring off people. The gentleman in question had worked with us for years, was amazing at his job and in no way deserved that kind of treatment. I thought the whole scene was considerably ironic since Lou himself is handicapped.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
@ Graham, yeah, I thought that was pretty funny!
@ Mary, that’s really unfortunate.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Interesting post. As an introvert who has failed trying to be extroverted, I really enjoyed this. Thanks.
lifelessliveds last blog post..That wasn’t so bad.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
@ lifelesslived, glad you liked it. It’s OK not to be extraverted!
August 7th, 2008 at 12:50 am
I am an introvert and enjoy it. I can be social when I need to, and rather enjoy being social at times, but I do my best work and my best thinking when I’m alone. I don’t like it when people expect me to be social. I have a friend who will text me, and when I am in my mood when I want to be alone, I may wait a few hours before replying. It’s not to be rude, but that’s my time, and I do not have to respond. It’s the same as someone who would just show up at your door unannounced. When I don’t respond to my friends message right away, she think’s it’s very rude and gets mad at me. She is very much an extravert.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
@ captaind, many introverts are as you describe - social when they need to be, but they do their best work alone. Too many demands for socialization can wear an introvert down, and in many cases, extraverts simply don’t understand that introverts need their alone time. You might try explaining that it’s not to be rude, it’s just that you need your space.
August 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Hi Hunter,
Thanks a bunch! Being an introvert and having struggled to justify my need to be alone, your article has been a breath of fresh air. I can now huddle in my den without a guilty conscience. All the best!
August 9th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
@ HappyChappy, exactly, introverts often feel like they have to justify their introversion because we’re outnumbered by people who are more vocal. It’s OK to have your alone time. On the other hand, it’s also important to pay attention to other peoples’ needs, including those who need some socializing time with you. It’s a balancing act.
August 10th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
[...] terms as defined by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, not in layman’s terms. Be sure to read The Introverts Strike Back for more on this. Also, people are still telling me I’m spelling extravert wrong–try [...]
August 11th, 2008 at 12:14 am
I enjoyed this article (and ‘can’t we all get along’ as well). I’m also tired of being told that I could be extraverted if I just tried harder and stopped being shy. Bah. (I’m also sick of being told that as a woman I love talking and can’t bear to be parted from my phone.)
My mother-in-law and sister are extreme extraverts who have both been guilty of telling me this, mixed in with the constant stream-of-consiousness chatter that dribbles out of their mouths. They think I’m lonely. Sigh.
(While I’m not shy, the more contact with *tactless* extraverts I have the more misanthropic tendencies creep into my nature. Ah well. Most of my friends are used to me now and, unlike my tactless extraverted relatives, are cool with my introversion.)
August 11th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Oscar the Grouch,
“I’m also sick of being told that as a woman I love talking and can’t bear to be parted from my phone.”
Really? People tell you that? Maybe they should be a little more observant and pay less attention to stereotypes!
August 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
[...] Whilst perusing Delicious earlier today I came across a really interesting post Introverts and Extraverts : Can’t We Just Get Along which in turn led me to another post by the same author The Introverts Strike Back. [...]
August 28th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
The worst part of being an introvert is definitely the people who want to change you. I run into this almost every time I meet someone new: “You’re introverted? We need to get you out of your shell, get you more social.”
Um, no. Then I have to explain introversion versus extroversion, and hopefully they’ll leave it at that.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:40 am
@ Nathaniel, yes, that can definitely be frustrating. It can be hard to handle that situation without giving in, and also without sounding like a jerk. I try to explain that I have so many good things going on inside my head that I just don’t need as much socialization as someone who gets bored easily.