How To Be A Woman
May 13th, 2008
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Image from Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)
How ironic is this? This morning, I was reassuring Vered that she’s definitely more of a mommyblogger than I am, and now I’m writing a post about how to be a woman. How did this happen?
Rest assured that I have a good excuse. As I was catching up on reading blogs, I noticed that in Steve Pavlina’s post How to Be a Man, he offered to link to all quality submissions of a “How to Be a Woman” article.
He specifically said that you don’t have to be a woman to enter, but acknowledged that it might help. Handicapped as I may be, I thought I’d give it a shot. Without further ado, here is my guide to being a woman.
1. Don’t apologize for being a woman.
You’re not a man. Surely you already know that. And yet, it’s possible that you’re secretly pretending to be one. Maybe you’re in a profession that’s dominated by men, so you feel you have to hide your femininity by dressing a certain way, acting a certain way, hiding your emotions, and so forth. Maybe you want to have a baby and take extended maternity leave, but you feel guilty that you’re not putting enough emphasis on your career.
The fact is, men and women are different because they’re supposed to be different. Men and women live their lives with their brains soaking in different hormones, so it’s inevitable that they turn out to be different. Men need women to be different, so don’t apologize for being who you are.
2. Realize that men are confused about how to treat women.
While the double standard was unfair, it had the benefit of being clearly defined. Today, women have many more options available to them, but the equality of the sexes has left many men wondering how a woman wants to be treated.
If a man gets out of his car and walks around to open the passenger door for a woman, she might be surprised by this behavior and give him a look that says to him “What, are you gay or something?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Based on this experience, he might later decide that when she offers to help pay for dinner, that he should let her, and she ends up being silently offended.
Realize that when your man goes back and forth between treating you like a modern liberated woman and a 1950s housewife, it’s quite possible that he just has no idea what you want. He’ll appreciate you for understanding his confusion and dropping hints about how you want to be treated.
3. Be clear about what being a woman means to you.
I once saw a woman who was absolutely furious about something that had happened to her at work, and was complaining about discrimination against women and the gender wage gap. I thought she certainly had some valid points. However, when she later got a speeding ticket, she asked “How could he give me a ticket? I’m just a girl.”
Maybe you have an idea about what being a woman means to you. For example, it might include being entitled to the same career opportunities as men and receiving equal pay for equal work. Fine. But if you play the “I’m just a girl” card whenever it’s convenient, that’s completely inconsistent with the image you had about women being equal to men.
If you keep changing your mental concept of being a woman, you’re sending out inconsistent vibes. If you sometimes expect to be treated as powerful and sometimes expect to be treated as helpless, the world won’t know how to respond to you. Decide who you are, and consistently project that image.
4. Help men out with the “Venus” concept.
In Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray pointed out some differences between men and women that might be stereotypical, but are also fairly accurate. He says that when women talk about a problem they’re having, what they really want is sympathy, but a man’s instinct is to offer solutions. This results in the man not being appreciated for his efforts, while the woman thinks he doesn’t care.
The reason your man offers solutions instead of sympathy is because in his eyes, sympathy doesn’t help nearly as much. The solutions aren’t because he doesn’t care, but because he doesn’t know any better. But if he understood that sympathy is what you really want (if that’s true for you), he’d be very happy with that, since being sympathetic takes a lot less effort than figuring out solutions.
Just be aware that he needs you to help him figure out what you want. If he starts thinking of solutions, just say that all you really need is a back rub, for example. Then let him know you appreciate it at the end. After doing this a couple of times, he’ll learn this is what he’s supposed to do.
5. At the same time, make an effort to respect the “Mars” principle.
The other point that John Gray made is that men don’t like to be given unsolicited advice. While meant to be helpful, to them it might sound like “I don’t trust you to be able to solve this problem. I need to help you because you’re not capable.”
The classic example is men’s infamous unwillingness to ask for directions. I know this is not universally true because in the days before MapQuest, I once voluntarily pulled over at a gas station to ask for directions, and thought nothing of it. However, some men can be much more difficult, refusing to stop for help, refusing even to call the friend they’re trying to find.
While this behavior may perplex you, know that it’s normal. If possible, try to avoid giving advice, even if you think it will be helpful. You can be the bigger woman here! However, there may be situations where remaining silent stops being an option, such as when you’ve been driving way too long, you still haven’t found the place, and you know you’re not going to.
One possibility is to just take out your cell phone and call someone for help, without telling him in advance what you’re doing. This way, you’ve spared him from “the shame of giving up.” On the other hand, he might not like this at all. There might not be a universal solution for this problem, but you can learn from experience what works best for you.
6. Don’t be offended when your man stares at someone else.
Yes, he’s wrong to do it, but it’s a necessary side effect of the same hormones that helped bring you together in the first place. A confident woman is secure enough not to feel threatened by an occasional peek. Besides, as Marilyn vos Savant said, “A pretty woman turns the heads of the boys, a beautiful woman turns the heads of the men too, but it takes a gorgeous woman to turn the heads of the women.” So if you didn’t turn your head, then she’s not that much of a threat.
If your man is bothering you by excessively staring at other women, one way to handle it is with an unexpected comment such as “check out the ass on her!” In addition to bringing to his attention that he might be staring more than he realizes, he’ll be so impressed you had the courage to say such a thing that he’ll instantly forget about what’s-her-name.
7. Gracefully handle the wedding dress issue.
If you’re an unmarried woman, the odds are good that one day you’ll want to spend thousands of dollars on a custom-made designer silk wedding dress that you’ll only wear once. The odds are also good that you’ll fail miserably in convincing your man that this makes any sense at all.
He wants to marry you, but he doesn’t care about the actual wedding, so don’t try to explain how important the dress is to you. He won’t get that. Instead, relate it to something he does care about. Something like this:
“Honey, did you see that the new Porsche 911 is out? I love this car, but the sticker price starts at $74,000. That seems like an awful lot, and your 1993 Corolla is still holding up. What do you think?”
To you, the car is stupid. To him, the dress is stupid. But they both mean similar things to their prospective owners. If you show that you value his wants even though you don’t understand them, he’s much more likely to reciprocate. Besides, the Porsche is a much better deal in terms of hours of enjoyment per dollar.
(Since finance is one of the topics I write about, I can’t let this go without saying that both a Porsche and an expensive wedding dress are terrible investments, logically speaking. Sure, sometimes it’s not about logic, but think very carefully before deciding that you have money to burn.)
May 13th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Hunter,
I’d say, it takes one heck of a man, to write a post on how to be a woman, and nail some very important issues.
My husband won’t ask anyone else for directions, but if he thinks he MIGHT be lost, he will call me and have me direct him to where he’s going.
Don’t forget the “cave” story from John Gray’s book. i.e. men go to their cave when they have a problem that needs to be worked out, whereas women want to talk about it.
Re: the wedding dress. Just find a girl with a rich daddy and it won’t be an issue. teehee.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:45 am
Hey Hunter!
HAHAHAHAHA! I read this and I thought to myself, “Hunter’s doing this for all men!”
It’s a “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” kinda post that’s very entertaining because I find myself laughing every other sentence.
(Because I see myself in it lol)
Thanks for the laughter!
To Constant & Never-Ending Improvement,
SaiF
SaiF’s last blog post..The Secret To The Law of Attraction
May 13th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Yes, this is a smidge more “How A Man Wishes A Woman Would Be”, but still VERY information for woman!
Hayden Tompkins’s last blog post..How To Be A Woman
May 13th, 2008 at 8:25 am
*informational
May 13th, 2008 at 10:36 am
“Don’t be offended when your man stares at someone else.”
Haha I do that to my man all the time! Really, I see nothing wrong with the occasional silent appreciation of good-looking people that are not your partner/ spouse, as long as it’s not excessive.
Thanks for the link, and for the mommyblogging reassurance. Much appreciated.
Vered – MomGrind’s last blog post..My Name Is Vered, And I’m a Mommyblogger Wannabe
May 13th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Hunter,
I have no doubt that you will get a link from the exclusive club of the blog mogul Steve Pavlina. Thanks for a great job. I stumbled upon his article yesterday and cursed myself for missing the deadline. I’m happy that you did not.
Shilpan
Shilpan | successsoul.com’s last blog post..5 Axioms of Life: A Pathway to Happiness
May 13th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
@ Barbara, I guess if your husband calls you, then it doesn’t count as cheating.
I had forgotten about the cave story. I definitely have my cave I go to in order to work on a problem, unless I know someone who might know the answer. But otherwise, I feel much better working on a problem than talking about it.
@ SaiF, I think most guys can see themselves at least in certain parts of this. And we are pretty funny creatures at times, don’t you think? Glad it made you laugh.
@ Hayden, you’re right. As I got more into it, it quickly became less about how to be a woman and more about how men would like a woman to be. In fact, I submitted it to the next edition of the Manival (a blog carnival started by The Art of Manliness). But actually, I think we should all pay attention to advice from the opposite sex.
@ Vered, hmmm…I hadn’t thought about when the woman does it! I guess the same rules apply!
@ Shilpan, thanks for being so optimistic. You probably wouldn’t be surprised to know that Steve Pavlina had a huge influence on my decision to start blogging. I didn’t see his post until it was almost too late…I wish I could sort the blogs in Google Reader so my “must reads” were at the top.
May 13th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
This is really not an easy topic to tackle; less so, if it comes written from a man. But you did a great job! Liked all your points!
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map’s last blog post..4 Life Lessons From The Tale Of The Tea-Loving Caterpillars
May 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Hi, found you through Steve Pavlina’s link.
I’ve got a slight problem, not with you specifically, but with the Mars/Venus concept of unsollicited advice.
I’m a woman. As you state, I don’t want unsollicited advice from my guy. Makes me feel stupid and like he doesn’t respect me, and I can’t imagine someone who doesn’t respect me actually cares for me. I’d much prefer he listen to me and trust I can work things out by myself.
Men, you say, also don’t want unsollicited advice, because it makes them feel stupid and not respected. That’s pretty clear to me, since it makes eminent sense. :p
On the other hand, men seem to dig handing out unsollicited advice (the ‘natural problem solving mode’ Gray refers to at nauseam) and women are often told to take that as a sign of love, while men (as far as I’ve seen) are never told to take their woman’s advice as a sign of love and women are told to NOT EVER GIVE THEIR MAN ADVICE. What gives?
How are men with taking other men’s unsollicited advice? In a sense, are they simply a tad hypocritical about it (love handing it out to everyone, hate getting it from everyone) or are they a tad sexist in addition to the hypocrisy (love handing it out (either to women or to everyone) but hate getting it only from women)? I can’t seem to see a non-hypocritical side to Gray’s advice, even if I try to be as magnanimous as possible, and I can’t imagine someone like Gray trying to coach men that being hypocrites is a GOOD thing.
What do you think about this?
May 15th, 2008 at 12:16 am
@ Maartje, it’s been a long time since I read that book, but if that’s what he’s saying, then I disagree with him. I think both sexes should refrain from giving unwanted advice, but if they receive it, they should try to take it as a sign of love (though it might be hard to do).
The main reason I don’t like to receive unsolicited advice is because it’s usually either perfectly obvious or really bad advice. I don’t want to waste time listening to stuff that I already know, or explaining why someone is wrong. I just want to work on finding a solution. For me, it has nothing to do with who the advice comes from, but I can’t speak for all guys.
I’d have to read the book again to see, but maybe Gray thinks that women are less bothered by unsolicited advice. Rather than being hypocritical, maybe he’s taking into account that they’re better able to take the advice without being offended. Just a guess, as it’s really been a long time since I read it.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:43 am
Hi Hunter – my partner stares (tactfully) at other women all the time – and I point them out to him (if he misses one, which is not often).
He read a newspaper article a while ago that said looking at women’s breasts added years to a man’s life-span. Well if it said that in the newspaper it must be true.
Robin’s last blog post..Staying young
May 15th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
It cost too much money to be a woman. This did give me a chuckle.
Natural’s last blog post..The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and By the Way
May 15th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
@ Evelyn, sorry your comment didn’t come through at first–somehow you ended up in my comment spam. I’m glad you approve of this post!
@ Robin, that’s very nice of you to point out any women he might have missed! That sounds like an interesting article…I wonder how you can test that scientifically.
@ Natural, thanks for chuckling!
May 15th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
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May 15th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
This one comment is priceless and is truly effective:
“Honey, did you see that the new Porsche 911 is out? I love this car, but the sticker price starts at $74,000. That seems like an awful lot, and your 1993 Corolla is still holding up. What do you think?”
I’ve used this form of communication many times and it always gets the point across unlike anything else ever can.
Juanita
May 16th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Interesting – My wife was “why waste money on a wedding dress – is there somewhere I can RENT one, like you will your Tux?” – she ended up buying a closeout dress that fit her, was beautiful, and cost almost as little as renting my Tux – and she didn’t want to keep it – I had to convince her to save it for our daughter
Also – she’s strange – when she talks about a problem, she wants advice.
Then again – she asked ME out, we met playing D&D, and she’s a SciFi geek, who has a Physics BS, and a few other degrees
May 16th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
[...] How to Be a Woman by Hunter Nuttall [...]
May 16th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Congratulations, Hunter! I seriously think you should submit this article to the next Manival.
Hayden Tompkins’s last blog post..Erin Pavlina is My Hero
May 17th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I have no desire to spend thousands on a wedding dress! What a waste of $ … LOL
May 17th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
@ Juanita, great, we have confirmation that it works!
@ Kg2v, it just goes to show that there are always exceptions!
@ Hayden, already done!
@ Scribette, maybe you should do what Kg2v’s wife did!
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May 19th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I love that a man got it so right. I often talk about these topics with my boyfriend and you seem to clarify and echo a lot of our shared opinions. Women need to stop apologizing for being a woman, define what it means to them and stick to their convictions. It also helps to be understanding of men.
You did a great job exploring this topic! Keep up the great work!
Nathalie Lussier’s last blog post..Idealize Often, Use a Pedestal With Caution
May 19th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Nathalie, thanks for your comments! This was sort of a spur of the moment thing, though it was based on things I’ve pondered before. If you and your boyfriend discuss these topics often, then you must have figured a lot of things out, so I’m glad you agree with me!
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