Anger Management 101
February 2nd, 2008
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Photo by José Miguel Serrano
Anger is bad for you. Really bad.
More than 30,000 heart attacks are caused by momentary anger each year. Angry people are more likely to be divorced, have worse jobs than others with the same education, and have fewer friends. According to a 2006 Harvard study, 10 million American men have an extreme form of anger called IED, or intermittent explosive disorder. Other studies have shown that angry men are three times more likely to develop premature cardiovascular disease, six times more likely to have an early heart attack, and three times more likely to have a stroke. Women suffer from anger too of course, but it affects them less. (Source: “Why So Angry?”, Men’s Health, May 2007.)
Obviously, controlling our anger is critical. Usually when we think of anger management, we think about taking deep breaths and visualizing a happy place. It’s certainly good advice to use these relaxation techniques to melt away the anger when it occurs. But I think we’re capable of avoiding much of our anger in the first place by looking at the situation and deciding whether anger is the best reaction. Anger Management 101 is about how to do this.
I recently ordered a product on radioshack.com, and had it shipped to the store in order to get free shipping. When I went to pick it up, two teenage guys were working there. They couldn’t find the package, and they didn’t even appear to be convinced that it had been delivered, in spite of the fact that I had the UPS delivery confirmation and the name of the person who signed for it. They didn’t seem competent, they didn’t do what they said they would (i.e., call the manager and get back to me), and they didn’t seem to care at all.
My natural reaction would have been to get angry, especially since there was no need for any of this to happen. But here’s where Anger Management 101 comes in. When we consciously decide how we’re going to respond to events that tend to elicit anger, we can get much better results than we would if we just let our emotions run the show. There are 5 steps to this approach.
1. Decide that you don’t want to be angry.
Maybe you think that if someone wrongs you, you have every right in the world to be angry, and maybe you’re right. But the thing is, your body doesn’t care—it will still give you a heart attack just the same. Just like you can’t win an earthquake, you can’t win at being angry. So just keep in mind that your goal is to not get angry. That’s how you win.
There may be cases where anger can benefit you. For example, I’ve heard that airline customer service reps are instructed to give customers preferential treatment based on how angry they get. I haven’t tested this myself, but it sounds like it’s probably true. I’m not saying you should use anger as a tool to get what you want, but even if you do, your anger would only benefit you for the few minutes you’re actually complaining. Then it would destroy your body for several hours after that. So even if you want to use anger, you still need to be able to control it.
2. Realize that the problem is probably much smaller than it appears.
Very often, even the worst case scenario really isn’t that bad when you think about it. In my situation, I realized that the worst case was a small inconvenience. They’d probably find my package at some point, but if not, they’d give me a refund. Even if they refused, I could call the credit card company and dispute the charge. Then I’d just place another order and try it again. The worst case scenario just meant some wasted time, but that’s it. And the worst case scenario rarely happens.
3. Think about the other people who are affected.
In fact, rather than being upset, I should feel sorry for the other people involved. The employees had terrible customer service skills, but that’s not really their fault. They didn’t pick their jobs because they really wanted to work there, but because their opportunities are limited at this point. They don’t like what they have to do every day, and their lack of training in customer relations will hurt them later in life. Also, the manager didn’t do anything wrong, but she would be held responsible if I had to get a refund.
4. Look for the silver lining.
Whenever I’m not thrilled with a situation, I look for a silver lining, and I usually find one. My experience with Radio Shack gave me the opportunity to come up with this method for anger management. Before then, I hadn’t really thought about how to deal with these situations other than by getting angry. It also gave me this blog post! This strengthens my blog and benefits other people as well.
5. After it’s over, look back and decide if it would have been worth getting angry.
The next day, I got a call that they had found the package. They said the reason they couldn’t find it was because it wasn’t in a brown box. (Gee, why not check all boxes, regardless of color?) I went down there, and they took out a brown box for me. When I pointed out that it was brown, the guy pointed to a white box and said he mistook it for that one. And it turns out he was even more mistaken than that, because I read the label on the brown box and it had the wrong name and product info. At this point I had yet another chance to use my newfound anger management strategy!
Anyway, the outcome was that I got the package one day late, after some annoying but also entertaining inconvenience. That’s not so bad in retrospect, right? Would it have been worth getting angry? Of course not. Save your anger for the times when it’s actually worth it (if ever). Bringing on long-term health problems for minor inconveniences is not a good deal for you. When you realize in hindsight that being angry wouldn’t have helped, you can remember this for next time.
So take it easy on your heart, your friends, and your family. React to situations consciously, and defuse anger before it starts.
February 3rd, 2008 at 3:57 am
Hunter,
I love your attitude…..you found a topic for a blog post, and it will be one that can help many.
I agree, getting angry only hurts us. It can be embarrassing not only to us, but to those that we get angry with, and if we happen to have our children or spouse with us, to them too. Since it’s proven children learn what they live, such a poor example we could be showing them.
I had never heard that airlines give preferential treatment based on the level of anger, but if that’s the case, it makes me wonder what other businesses use the same technique. And….if some purposely “act angry” to get upgraded?
This a a great post on teaching others how to be heart healthy. Thank you for sharing a great lesson.
Barbara’s last blog post..A New Reality Show - How Not To Blog?
February 3rd, 2008 at 8:14 am
Hi Hunter - this is a brilliant post. I never thought about anger being physically harmful. But, I must admit that when I have PMT, I get angry in situations that wouldn’t normally bother me, and it does make me feel worse.
It’s interesting that anger is far more dangerous to the health of men than it is to women. I wonder why that is?
CatherineL’s last blog post..Will It Soar Or Suck? 6 Business Techniques That Make a Difference
February 3rd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Barbara, that’s a great point about children learning what they live. That makes our behavior that much more important. We’re responsible for influencing them one way or the other.
Catherine, I know the greater effect on men is partially explained by society’s preference for the strong silent type. Maybe it makes guys look cool, but it’s no good for them. I read an article that said James Bond would have been a victim of early heart disease, even without the cigarettes and martinis.
February 5th, 2008 at 2:28 am
“Anger…fear…aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight.”
Sorry, couldn’t help it.
I really enjoyed your post, though. Lately, I’ve had to check myself when I get angry at the kids for being, well..kids! Sometimes, I have to think back if I behaved like that as a kid, and decide, nah…!
But just the same, I found that getting upset at the kids was becoming a regular pattern of behavior, and by acknowledging it, I can do something positive about it.
Nez’s last blog post..Frame of Mind
February 5th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Nez, don’t forget “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
After you repeat something enough times, you fall into a pattern. Patterns can be good because they make things simple, but by being stuck in a pattern we sometimes have reactions that aren’t the best for the situation. Once in a while it’s good to think about our patterns and decide if they still make sense.
February 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
One of the key insights for me was when I learned that our thoughts create our feelings.
It makes sense, but sometimes the cycle is so short it feels like we’re just “reacting.”
If we slow the cycle down, it’s the story we have in our mind that determines our reaction.
Two of the best books for controlling your emotional response are:
1. Feeling Good (a lot of emphasis on thought patterns and practices)
2. Crucial Conversations
Crucial Conversations is particularly interesting because there’s a technique called “master my stories” which is about intercepting your reactions to situation and reframing them before you let your fight-or-flight response take over. What’s interesting is that our fight-or-flight responses literally shut down our ability for our best mindful responses (it’s how our brains are wired.) This is why folks who master emotional intelligence respond better in a great number of stressful situations.
When it comes down to some hard-core techniques, NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is probably the most effective I’ve seen in action.
JD’s last blog post..Sustainable, Healthy Commitment
February 21st, 2008 at 1:43 am
Thanks, JD. This is a lot of helpful information you added here!
Your comment about our thoughts creating our feelings is right on. In fact, I think our thoughts are responsible for creating much of our reality.
It’s interesting how the fight-or-flight response interferes with our having the best response to stressful situations. It seems that we’re still optimized for caveman life in that regard.