Introvert Johnny Carson: He hosted The Tonight Show for 30 years.
Lately I’ve been reading a lot of posts that almost seem to describe introversion as a disease, and which purport to teach you how to be more extraverted to have a better life. It’s time we all got on the same page about what introversion is. Many people think it’s something like this:
introvert + social skills = extravert
This implies that extraverts are better than introverts, because the difference is simply that they have social skills in addition to everything that introverts have. In reality, it works like this:
introvert = someone who gets their energy from themselves
extravert = someone who gets their energy from others
This is the definition used by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and neither type is better. Extraverts are certainly the majority with 70% of the world’s population, but the world needs all kinds of people.
Introvert Meryl Streep: 14 Academy Award nominations, more than any other actor or actress.
While it’s certainly true that poor socials skills are more likely to be seen in introverts, stereotyping introverts as social outcasts is no more accurate than stereotyping extraverts as dumb jocks. While introverts have their challenges (as all people do), they also have their strengths (as all people do), such as independence, focus, interest in concepts and ideas, and thinking before speaking.
Introvert Thomas Edison: He held 1,093 patents in the U.S. alone.
In fact, when you look at successful introverts, you see that in most cases they succeeded not in spite of their introversion, but because of it. I doubt Thomas Edison would have invented so much if he had preferred bar hopping to being alone with his thoughts.
Introvert Jerry Seinfeld: He entertained millions with a show about nothing.
The Ascending Reticular Activating System
When I was in college in the mid-90s, in one psychology class we heard about a theory concerning the Ascending Reticular Activating System (ARAS). The theory claimed that the ARAS basically worked as a pipe in the brain stem, controlling the influx of information. If a person’s ARAS was wide open, they would get plenty of stimulation just from reading a book, and they’d become an introvert. If a person’s ARAS was relatively closed off and didn’t allow much through, they would need to seek out extra stimulation, and they’d become an extravert.
Introvert Tiger Woods: The world’s #1 golfer and the highest-paid athlete in 2007.
Whether this particular theory turned out to be true or not, I found that it worked well as a metaphor. As an extreme introvert, I find that I’m never bored to be alone, and I almost never need to seek out social situations. When meeting a large number of people, or being with people for too long, I experience sensory overload, and I feel suffocated.
Introvert Socrates: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
This is not to say that I never want to be with people, or that I’m never energized by conversations. As with anyone else, some of my best experiences have been with other people. I just don’t require much socialization to thrive, because I have too much fun by myself.
Introvert Warren Buffett: The richest person in the world.
“How to be more extraverted”
When I see a post about “how to be more extraverted,” I think it makes about as much sense as “how to be more left-handed” or “how to be more Chinese.” Introversion is a natural condition, not something that’s determined by our behavior. If you want to talk about how to improve your social skills, and suggest that people should introduce themselves to strangers or attend group functions, fine, but don’t think that’s going to make you an extravert. If hosting The Tonight Show for 30 years didn’t make Johnny Carson an extravert, I doubt some basic socialization will do it for you.
Introvert James Dean: He played by nobody’s rules but his own.
Furthermore, if you’re an introvert, why would you want to be an extravert? Why would you want to switch from being energized by yourself to being energized by other people? Let me try to explain why introversion makes perfect sense to me. Now remember that I’m an extreme introvert, so I can’t speak for all my people.
- I don’t see the need for untargeted socialization. Just because someone is alive isn’t enough of a reason for me to want to spend time with them. A great example of someone I don’t want to spend time with is this guy I work with. He follows me around like a puppy that needs constant attention. He comes into my cube when I’m up against a deadline, bounces a rubber ball off my cubicle walls, plays with everything on my desk, and erases my whiteboard to write his own stuff. I feel like I’m babysitting a 5-year-old. Today he came in, picked up my scissors, and cut up a Post-it note that I had written a password on. I’m supposed to be energized by this numbnuts?
Introvert James Bond: He could tell you, but then he’d have to kill you.
- I usually like to have lunch by myself. I spend my work day interacting with other people, so I think of lunch as a time to get away, relax, think, and strategize. When a coworker wants to have lunch with me, I have to wonder why they want me to spend my free time with them, seeing as how I’m already spending 40 hours a week with them. And I find it rude for someone to just declare that they’re going to have lunch with me twice a week, as one person did.
Introvert Darth Vader: He finds your lack of faith in introversion disturbing.
- People need boundaries. In yet another coworker example, one day I met a new employee and found out that we live near each other. She then asked that since she couldn’t afford a car yet, would I mind driving her to and from work every day until further notice? Are you out of your mind? I just met you, I have no idea if I even like you, and you’re going to jump straight to the chauffeur stage? Are you sure you don’t want to move in with me, or make me a mix tape?
Introvert Mahatma Gandhi: He pioneered nonviolent resistance and led India to independence.
- People aren’t always a good match in every respect. I recently spent some time with a highly extraverted friend of mine, who had borrowed her friend’s Nintendo Wii. We had a great time playing Wii tennis together, but after she left, she was a little upset that I continued playing without her, and preferred to play against the computer. It’s nothing against her, but she wasn’t very good, and the computer automatically increased its difficulty every time you won. She enjoys playing with another human being even though she doesn’t like the game itself. But I enjoy playing the game against a worthy opponent, regardless of whether it happens to be a human.
Introvert Mister Fred Rogers: He received a Lifetime Achievement Award for Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, the longest-running show on PBS.
- I don’t like mindless chitchat. Recently I was working on something and had reached a state of flow, when a friend called me and started going on and on about lawn furniture. I tried to be patient but eventually had to ask if that was the only reason they were calling. It was nothing against them, but I was eager to get back to what I was doing. (By the way, this is an area where extraverts can easily have poor social skills–talking but not listening.) I’m trying to train my extravert friends to say their reason for calling up front. If they need something, ask for it. If they want to chitchat, ask if it’s a good time. I sometimes enjoy chitchat, but it would have to be during a slow time, or with someone I haven’t seen in a long time.
Introvert Albert Einstein: In his own little world he learned much about ours, becoming Time magazine’s “Person of the Century” in 1999.
- I don’t like people asking how my day was. The reason is just because I’m already perfectly aware of how my day was, so talking about it doesn’t give me anything new. If you want to talk, let’s talk about something that’s fun for both of us.
Introvert Jack Bauer: If you think introverts are pushovers, you don’t know Jack.
- I don’t like being asked about my weekend plans. When someone asks “what are you doing this weekend,” I know that what they want is an answer that will impress an extravert. But I know they’ll find it boring that I’m going to watch a movie and work on my ebook, just like I’ll find it boring that they’re going to a bar. I’ve started saying that I’m going to spend the weekend on mafia-related work. It’s just easier that way.
Introvert Steven Spielberg: Three-time Academy Award winner, and the highest grossing filmmaker of all time.
I’m not completely without social skills. I introduce myself to new people, I communicate with coworkers in person when everyone else is sending emails, I’m pretty good at listening and sensing the other person’s mood, I know how to tell jokes, I understand comic timing, etc. Would I like to improve my social skills to the level typical of a super extravert? Sure, and if there were a pill I could take that would boost my social skills without weakening my powers of introversion, I’d take it. But I’m not going to take too much time away from things I already enjoy and things I’m already good at, in order to make tiny improvements in doing things I enjoy less that I’ll never be that good at.
Introvert Martin Luther King, Jr.: He had a dream.
I do think everyone should have some basic social skills. You’ll find it helpful, and it’s usually not too hard to develop some basic social competence. If you happen to suffer from shyness, you should check out 20 Ways to Attack Shyness by Tina Su and Amanda Linehan. But let’s not get confused here. Shyness is a problem, but introversion is not. You can be painfully shy, but you can’t be painfully introverted any more than you can be painfully left-handed.
Can an introvert change into an extravert?
According to Myers and Briggs, someone’s preference for introversion or extraversion doesn’t change. I’m open to the possibility that it can change, but it certainly doesn’t happen as often as some people claim.
One example I’ve often heard is Lou Ferrigno, best known for playing The Incredible Hulk on TV in the 70s and 80s. He claims that bodybuilding took him from introvert to extravert. Since I don’t know much about him I can only guess, but I think it’s very likely that either (1) bodybuilding helped him become more social and he simply confused this with being an extravert, or (2) he was always an extravert, but it was masked by the extreme shyness he developed as a result of losing 80% of his hearing at the age of 3.
When I read posts where people say they joined some group activities and now they’re an extravert, I think “No you’re not!” They might be more comfortable in social situations, they might have good public speaking skills, they might be fun at parties, but that doesn’t make them an extravert. It’s all about where their energy comes from. Someone might be energized from a conversation, but are they really energized by the other person, or are they energized by discussing their ideas? I find it hilarious when someone writes a post about how to be an extravert, and then doesn’t respond to comments. That’s a clear sign of both introversion and poor social skills!
I am an introvert, like my father before me. This is who I am, and I would never want to change it. Are you an introvert too? If so, be proud.
Overcome fear, anger, jealousy, guilt, and stress.
, and it’s already reached the Amazon top 100 bestseller list. Not bad for a book that hasn’t even gone to the printer yet.
Free ebook: Memoirs of a Gaijin
